Dealing with ongoing affair -which may now be over

[PeterV2]

Thanks for the probing questions 25yrs. I don't think that apologies or forgiveness was ever modelled in her childhood. Her family doesn't talk like that. She's the only one in the family to say it like it is. Everyone else lives an eminence front.
She's still not sorry for the A. She says she was lonely in our M for years and that's why she went outside to get that need filled - that she kept asking me to spend time with her but I was too busy to comply. So she eventually gave up and walked away.
Now I've changed my life. I've dropped my busyness. I've calmed down. She sees it but is afraid it won't last.

But yeah, I've got to stop taking the temp. Stop the R talk. We spent about 8 hours together today and no R talk. At one point she invited me to lie on the bed beside her. I did. But then I lost control and leaned over and kissed her. She said "relax". So I just lay down again beside her. It's so hard to control myself. I need to let her set the pace. So that she feels that I'm on her team and not an opponent or pursuer.

I also realize that the forgiveness she may grant me is not for me but for her. So she needs to arrive at that at her own pace and in her own way.

Can I forgive myself? I'm working on that. I find myself still justifying my actions - not truly taking responsibility for how I didn't meet her needs and just sponged up all the love she was giving me. I believe that's my next self-improvement project.

She's just so beautiful and I'm so much in love with her that the distance between us hurts. I really need to work on my self-control.

Thanks 25yrs. Good 2x4. I needed that.