Keeping it real

[Zues126]

25, you're right. I haven't been as accountable as I thought. Making excuses, blaming, spinning, it's a great if what I want is sympathy. But if I want to be a good husband with a shot to make this or any R work it does nothing for me. So, specifically, my part of the demise of the M is as I can best see now:

-viewed my W as inferior and felt that I 'married down' as a favor, then allowed that to color my attitude and behavior to her over the years
-neglected her needs by not making it more of a priority to understand them, dismissing their importance, and worst of all deliberately denying them in an attempt to control and manipulate her behavior.
-pressured her to do things sexually she wasn't comfortable with or when she didn't want to participate.
-neglected my children and forced her to carry that responsibility on her own.
-acted angry in ways that made her feel fearful

Her love languages are acts of service and gifts, although all 5 were valuable to her to a degree. My 180s and what I'm currently doing:

-remaining calm and laid back, less intense (meditating)
-validating her and listenin intently to the needs she is communicating
-being an involved and loving dad, making sure she has time on her own and a partner to raise the children with regardless of status.
-quitting porn and doing additional work (books/therapy work) to try to develop healthier outlooks and boundaries.
-giving gifts/doing acts of service for the CHILDREN.

This is a little rough, didn't get into the specifics in how I've executed all of that. But the point is well taken. Stay in my sandbox, make no excuses and just focus on my problems and my solutions, take growing steps, and find ways with my interactions with her to allow her to see them.

I thought I was doing that but there is no question that when my perspective turns to that of a victim it will stut my growth and impact my behavior. Already today I have felt more compassionate towards her, and was better as to handle responding to her email (about lawyers/D).

Kids are doing well. My S10 told me its difficult for him and that's a big step, he usually hides this from me because he's sensitive to what I think of him given the unstable nature of our relationship up until now. But we're bondin more and more, it's been good. And we're getting him set up with a school councelor so hopefully he can get additional support. D's 3 and 7 don't seem to be too bothered. STBX has been supportive of my parenting and so far we've been very amicable to each other and with he children.

I am very interested in the E E and have read your reviews before. I may be able to make that happen. I told my dad I felt like I needed to get more help and even mentioned this to him. I'll see if I can work it out.

Thanks for the 2x4 25. This was a good opportunity to regroup and refocus. Oh- ps, I'm back at work today and this along with staying in my sandbox has helped me feel much more secure. Amazing how focusing on myself and being appreciative can go along way!