Dealing with ongoing affair -which may now be over

[25yearsmlc]

We had a long difficult talk tonight. She hasn't read the apology letters again. She thinks they are disingenuous - that I'm just saying what I think she wants to hear. Back to that incident with my ex 10 years ago, she just won't let it go. She says all her friends agree with her.
I asked her about my request for forgiveness and she says she's not at a place yet where she can grant that request.
So what do I do? I guess just keep on DBing. Be patient and supportive. And stop friggin asking for forgiveness. When she's ready she'll say it.

Maybe she'll say it or maybe she'll just do it. How was forgiveness modeled in
her childhood? Did she ever see it? Do you know what it would look like? Can you be okay with moving as the marriage vows say, "from this day forward" and NOT have to hear her say "I forgive you"? If not, why not?

Also fwiw I think the fastest way to cool a R is by taking its temperature too often. Why all the R talk and insistence that she read a letter again, and why repeat the request for forgiveness? Do you feel she owes it to you? Do you see that forgiveness is for HER, not so much you? Can you forgive yourself?


Yeah, too much stress from the RH. More flooding last week. The live-in quit. W is not handling the stress well. I tried to talk about personal goal setting but she just thinks I'm full of BS.

Can you see why that suggestion coming from you might come off as condescending? Or as a "fix it" solution, instead of just listening to her?

How does she view the way you handle stress? Does she admire it? If so, she'll probably ask you about it someday but if not, then I'd start there. IOW, model a calm demeanor in the face of stress without ignoring it, and go from there.

She has no patience whatsoever and I need to have the patience of Job. Just doesn't seem fair.

See if any of the questions above bring you any clarity. Good luck.