I had to set my homework aside for a bit today. I know I will get back to it. I'm not going this far and stopping. But, I was remembering a lot of things that I hadn't thought about for years. I didn't think of them back then, the same as I do now. And it's messing me up.
I don't like looking back. I don't like stirring this stuff up. Nothing earth shattering or anything, no big revelations or uncovering deep family secrets. It's more of an awareness of some things, and connecting them to where I'm at now. I have made some big mistakes. I know, right? Who knew?
I started questioning everything and thinking about too much....spinning. So I hit the pause button....maybe even stop for now. I know where to pick it up. So I'm going to sit on some of these things and let them settle.
So, I paid bills, then I took my 18yr old sons with me to the grocery store....omg they are still as silly as they were when they were little. I think it's hitting them, that they'll soon be apart for the first time in their lives. The "womb-mates" that were 12 weeks early.... Now over 6' tall. How dare they .
I made an awesome dinner, and as I was cooking, H called. He doesn't call, ever. So, I answered. He was driving, and had just left the house with another load of his things. He called to tell me he had a letter addressed to me. He asked would I like him to come and drop it off.
I said it wasn't a good time, and I was cooking. <<<<<. That's new for me to say no. (But, I looked a mess, so it was easier to not agree to see him). I mean.....USUALLY I'm fully done-up and photo-ready, hair, make-up, SHOES..... (Anyone buying this?). But, I made this big dinner, and I had my hair piled up on top of my head, food on my clothes, flour and spices powdered all over me... Oh, sure....I'll be right down.
Normally? I wouldn't think twice of it. MLC? Yeah...I wasn't hitting the mark on the whole "look-great, smell-great." (Unless you're my dog.) Plus, my eyes were swollen from earlier....GAWSH I can't let him think that was for him!!!!
He said he'll be back at the house tomorrow, moving his last load, and then cleaning. He usually doesn't offer up details of his plans. Trying not to overthink, but, hey, it's me, so I did.....a little. (You and your smirking, uR...just sayen).
Maybe he wanted me to offer to help clean. Who knows. I didn't ask. I'm trying not to focus on him. I'm doing well, overall. But DAAAANNNNNGGGGGGGG. I miss him so much.
We had a good M. I was a good wife. Were there things I could have done better? Sure. But, wow.... I loved him. I still do. But we gots a chit-ton of work to do before even thinking of working on us.
. 