What to do when an EA involved?

[25yearsmlc]

Although what kind of a door mat would I be if i allowed her to get a bachelor pad and a hall pass to see what else is out there while keeping me in the wings?

I'm so messed up right now and everything is moving way to quickly[/b].

I am going to get some sleep now but first, I'll post a letter from another walkway wife who wrote to a man here, (Not her h,) to advise him about why HIS WAW wasn't running home as fast as he hoped.

In his situation, he admitted being a pretty lousy h, but he really did change for the better with a lot of hard work. He wondered how his WAS could still look at OM, when HE, her h, had been changing so much.

So this WAW wrote the letter to him to shed some light on how it feels to be a WAW in a marriage in which the h hasn't been too great.

See what you can get out of this letter, okay?

Dig deep and Be Brave...




FROM A WAW TO A LBS HUSBAND WHO HAS CHANGED AND WONDERS WHY HIS WAW HAS NOT COME HOME YET AND HOW SHE CAN BE AT ALL INTERESTED IN OM….

When I read your interactions with your wife, I could so easily identify with your wife's feelings/words/sentiments. I have been in her position in my M. I was the ignored, the devalued, the one who was treated as less than.

One of the things that I have tried my hardest not to do, is not to engage with another man. Not just because of my marriage vows, but because I knew that when I truly engaged in any type of R with another man, it would make it that much harder to ever reconcile with my H.

Because being treated differently (better) than the way he treated me would lessen him so much in my eyes. So, I can see where your W is coming from.

When you've been mistreated to the point where you actually let go of your R enough to let another person into your heart or bed or whatever, it takes a boatload of work to get back on a page where you're recommitted to being with your S - and those uncertainties that she's expressed to you, I don't know if you truly, truly fathom how deep they run.

Six months of getting back on a page where you treat her the way that any wife should be treated does not even scratch the surface of the years, the intrinsic devaluing that occurs when you're systematically mistreated for such a stretch of time.

And I promise you that while you have recommitted and worked for 6 months, your W has simply been trying to get to a point where she can even buy into the changes, where she can even think that you might have changed and not scoff at the thought.

Because when you build up hope again and again and again in your H and he crushes it again and again and again, you develop a thick skin, a protective doubt, a conditioned response to even the slightest, grainiest seed of hope. You are taught that when you hope, you will be disappointed. When you try, you will fail.

You are taught that you will never be what he wants and it is hard to shake what you have come to believe is reality.

And for the changes that you've made to have come only when she walked away and OM became competition, I can definitely see how she can doubly doubt that you truly want to be in a M with her, and not just to "win".

Even you today say that you are not sure that you don't just want to "win".

Step 1 - figure that sh!t out ASAP. Because if you actually do manage to convince her that you really do want her and really have recommitted to her and you actually just want to win, you'll put her through hell.
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[Hoju]

25yearsmlc thank you so much for your posts and time. You've done more to save my marriage then you can possibly know. I've read DR and had a couple phone sessions with a DB coach and still have no idea what I'm doing.

I'm at work now but I'm going to take a lot of time to reread everything you have written. You are 110% right about her wanting to slow things down, I spoke to her this morning and just said if she ever just needs an ear to listen that I was here (thank you pilot, should have done it last night). She told me everything she was feeling and really opened up, I just validated her and listened intently.

I didn't push the sale of the house, i didn't push the separation agreement, I've told the bare minimum of people, i haven't changed my facebook or twitter, i haven't stopped wearing my ring and I didn't push her to move out. I've just tried to be supportive of her in each of these steps while making sure she knew it wasn't what I wanted but I respected her decision. She's been like speed racer through this and I'm just trying to hold on for dear life. I've made things as comfortable as possible at home so she wouldn't feel she needed to leave, i wasn't pushy, i did all the chores, i never asked where she was when she wouldn't come home, i made sure i was out as much as possible. Now I don't expect anything to change but I've pushed out the realtor until next week.

[Hoju]

I think I went into a protection mode while trying to detach.... And this is exactly why,

I sent her a text today and said "I'm going to try and hold onto the house" and got back "lol i was just about to tell you to go ahead and list it, why the change of mind" so i said "i love the house and i'm not ready to let it go" and got back "ok but i want to make sure you're doing it for you and not me"

Want to talk about hulk smashing an olive branch.

[25yearsmlc]

I think I went into a protection mode while trying to detach.... And this is exactly why,

I sent her a text today and said "I'm going to try and hold onto the house" and got back "lol i was just about to tell you to go ahead and list it, why the change of mind" so i said "i love the house and i'm not ready to let it go" and got back "ok but i want to make sure you're doing it for you and not me"

Want to talk about hulk smashing an olive branch.

Your expectations are what got to you. Lose those for now. That's NOT the same as saying "lose all hope", it is saying not to await a reaction from her and hinge your happiness that day on what she says in a given moment.

That will become part of your life as you learn to detach. Besides, some detachment inside a WORKING MARRIAGE isn't a bad thing. My h was in a lousy mood last night b/c of a work related issue and was snappy at me and the kids. I reminded him not to take out his understandable work frustrations, on us.

And then I detached.

In your situation, it's imperative that you detach or you'll really go nuts AND push her away. Stop the expectations and you won't be disappointed.

DOWN THE ROAD, you can change this up but for now, have NO expectations.

Have you hired a DB coach yet? They're Godsends, although you may not feel ready.

I say that b/c only TOTAL honesty with them will get you where you need to go.

I do hope you will read over my posts. They were time consuming to write (but are a lot faster to read!)) Try to put yourself in your wife's position sometimes.

IT's good practice for basic empathy and it will remind you how you got here, AND to not take everything she says so literally OR personally. Plus she'll feel more understood by you.

make sense?

[Hoju]

Yes you're right about the expectations, after our chat I expected her to be happy i wanted to keep the house for a bit. Today I think she might be extending another olive branch, she sent a text saying "it's alright if you want more time with the house, that she will just get new furniture and we can work out how to split it monetarily. She doesn't want me to rush into anything if i'm not ready". I know I can't afford to keep the house alone and the longer I hold on the harder it becomes to sell, I don't want to get stuck with it until next spring. If I'm going to turn around and sell in a week or two anyway then she should just take what she needs. My emotional and logical minds are so conflicted with each other, 24 could you offer any advice on what to do here? Money is an issue in as far as I can't carry it alone or get stuck with it until spring.

[Hoju]

W moved out as planned, she left me many of the essentials and a few pieces for staging for when I'm ready. I've lost all hope of reconciling this now and am going to proceed with listing the house. I know it's muddying the way home for her but I just can't carry it (indefinitely) and going home to our half empty house without her there is just making me sad. Time to let go of my expectations and start moving forward, if she wants to come back to our marriage we'll just need to find a new house.

[Dpthght]

Sorry to hear that Hoju, I just went through this myself and it [censored]. I never realized how empty a closet could look, almost a metaphor for the hole in my heart.

[25yearsmlc]

W moved out as planned, she left me many of the essentials and a few pieces for staging for when I'm ready. I've lost all hope of reconciling this now and am going to proceed with listing the house.

Not sure why you said you could hold onto it for awhile and then retracted. Was it true or not? Anyhow, okay so you're listing it. No need to be melodramatic and say you have "lost all hope". I have 2 family members who divorced and then remarried each other a few years later. So yeah it happens.

A divorce is a piece of paper saying your old marriage died. Sounds as if down deep that is probably a good thing b/c you both wanted a better marriage than what you had, right? Okay keep that in mind.


I know it's muddying the way home for her but I just can't carry it (indefinitely) and going home to our half empty house without her there is just making me sad.



I understand.

Time to let go of my expectations and start moving forward, if she wants to come back to our marriage we'll just need to find a new house.

So what are you doing to work on the issues within You? How are the 180s going? And how about any GAL?

You still need to do all that "work" - b/c it's life enhancing, and you have some self discoveries to make, don't you think?

When we "work" on our lives, we become happier people.

So it's not like you are pitching tar on a hot roof for years, or digging graves in the summer heat...okay?

Be empowered by your ability to change and choose. Make sense?

[Hoju]

I can keep the house but it would only be temporary until my savings dry up. Plus I would need to buy W out of her half as she will doubt be looking for money as she wants to travel. Also as I mentioned it doesn't feel (or look) like a home any more and I can't justify buying more furniture for something I will more then likely have to down size. It also reminds me of her making it very difficult to move forward. Along with a whole other slew of issues like distance to work, distance from friends and family and just general upkeep. Without even an estimated timeline I think it's best for me to continue to move forward.

My 180s are going good, I've managed to stay off the computer, been doing all the chores and small tasks around the house. Also been getting out every weekend. I started seeing a therapist and she's been helping me open up emotionally.

I've been doing good on the GAL front too, reconnected in person with my best friends, we would play online together but distance kept us from hanging out I've been making the effort to drive and visit them. Made new friends with some people from work and we've been going out weekly. Joined a hockey and indoor soccer team for the winter and I've started running and working out.

[NewLeaf]

Hoju,
I'm kind of in a similar situation with the house. Will be tough to keep financially for more than a few months. I'm looking into potentially renting it out, since the rental market is really good right now in my area.

Awesome on the hockey and soccer teams! Great exercise and a good way to meet lots of new people. Keep up the good work on the 180's too!