That I think I have to keep proving things. I feel I have to do stuff for people to like me, because just being myself isn't good enough. Because I don't think I'm good enough. I tell myself, "See? That's why he left you." "See? That's why you failed." "See? You didn't ______. You were too______. You're not______ enough." I fill in the blank with any adjective that fits the situation. Because as I am, I don't feel I'm enough anything. So I "do". And I try to hide behind "doing". If I'm in a crowd, and I don't know what to "do", I must be worthless. Doing=worthy. That's messed up.
I hate this. I know I need to deal with it and I'm grateful for this board....but dang his hurts. I hate being this.
I felt I had to be perfect for my mom. I was taught that love comes from doing things for others. I brought that into my relationships. I saw quickly how "acts of service" became all I was valued for. So I was afraid to stop. Because then the love would stop. But that's not even love, is it? If it stops because of that?
That fear is very deeply rooted in humans, was a time when being rejected from the tribe meant probable death. Glad those days are gone for us here, at least.
And right up until right now, you HAVE survived rejection. So it can't kill you.
Ever think that when someone rejects you, that it gives you valuable feedback and intel...about THEM?
So stuck at 8, huh...tell you what, try for 2 more, then we'll hit the next step, okay?
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I can be pretty confident hiding behind typed words.. . It's the in-person thing. I'm trying to pinpoint when this nonsense started. I also think it's situational, but I haven't yet defined the difference. For example, certain environments, I can totally "own it", whether I'm in the company of men or women. Others, I make assumptions and act as if I have no business being seen or heard...that's confusing to me.
Funny, my mother used to tell me that when I was little, I would cry if someone simply looked at me "cross eyed"... I don't yet understand why the face-to-face makes such a difference.
Originally Posted By: Shining
So...are you really disconnected ? I would say I'm "being" disconnected. I'm not making the efforts I used to, and I hold myself back. And I even know it's silly at the time, but I do nothing to change it. It's not working for me....lol.
I'm not going to say a lot here, except that these two are related to each other....or at least they appear related in your case....
Quote A, is because there isn't any emotion over the internet, and your reaction is private, in comparison to in real life. When you fear the judgement or reaction from another human....
Quote B, is the disconnect that you ALLOW yourself, in order to shield yourself from that emotion. You are simply trying to hide , and get lost in the crowd.....
So....
WHY do YOU feel, that you do that ????
HOW do you feel when you do that ????
WHAT triggers are you sensing, when that happens ????
The WHY? I feel I do that to shut down. So I can protect myself from being judged, rejected, and feeling hurt.
The HOW I feel? When I do that.... I feel safe. Smaller. Invisible. As long as I'm not noticed, no one will expect anything from me. I won't have to "do" anything. So yeah... I feel like I'm in control.
The WHAT? Triggers.....hmmm.... This one is tough to say. I get stuck here. It's a sense of getting into a situation, and thinking, "I'm supposed to_____" (Examples- know this, do this, look like this) Followed by, "BUT I can't because_____" (I'm not smart enough, don't fit in, not capable, forgot something or made mistakes). I'm not yet finding all the words to describe it, but that's pretty close.
T.... I DO NOT LIKE MY LIST. I can see why I need to do it. But, I feel like I'm lying to myself. I mean, I think it's right, but I gotta fight off tons of reasons that tell me otherwise. I'm becoming 'Sybil', lol. Does that happen? Did it happen to you?
There were a lot of things *I knew*, internally, that were good and very likable. The doubt came from external noises over the years, habits, poor coping, etc.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Cat, I'm brunette, so I guess that leaves me with no excuse for my confusion...lol.
H texted....apparently he's moved on from the piano topic, and asked if I have his passport. He sent a second text telling me we will need 2 forms of ID at closing on Friday.
I reminded him that I gave him his passport back in June, along with his kids' passports etc. that I had in the file cabinet. More stuff he wants done for him, I suppose.
I'm feeling annoyed. And this is new, to feel it for this long. I'm usually quick to let go of that kind of thing. Maybe I'm gearing up for Friday.....oh, the finality.......bye, bye, house.
