Wife having emotional affair part 2

[25yearsmlc]

You wrote way back when, that you had anger issues and would fly off the handle easily. You mentioned in July (7 months after first coming here and then sort of disappearing, saying) you had gotten "bad advice", which I assume meant you followed that bad advice....so that means more damage was done to the relationship but you were pretty darn vague...

But you admitted in July, 7 months after first coming here, that you still have those temper issues....

How Have you worked on your "stuff"?

You also said money was a big problem for you two, that you knew she was working hard at her job AND going to nursing school. What are YOU doing to help wth that chronic stressor?

BTW, I have 3 nurses in my family and each one put themself thru nursing school. But not one of them ALSO worked AND OR had young kids at home, at the same time.

Here is more of what you wrote about yourself, which is not nearly as detailed as what you write about your wife, but here goes, YOU WROTE:


Problems where. I had to much pride to sell house short sale way. We worked opposite shifts. Had to have her work a full time job while going to school full time. Never showed that much affection towards her. Like dates and cuddling. Did not appreciate her as much as I should have. Focused all my attention on kids and job and none on her. Plus talking got to be yelling.
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H and I put ourselves thru college, med school and law school, and so I know how hard it can be on a marriage. We had kids along the way, too. But I always knew there was an end in sight. H WOULD earn more someday, and I would NOT always have to work full time and care for the kids on such a solo basis. It's important to know there is a reasonable light at the end of the tunnel.

But your w sure got very little out of the situation from what I can tell. Plus, to have your temper on top of her working AND going to school, that must have created a lot of empty love tanks in her.

(Read "The Five Love Languages" by Chapman, if & when you have finished the Div Busting books, b/c it discusses how we each give AND OR receive love in different ways. Though it may seem obvious, what is really clear is that we tend to give love in "our language" and NOT in our spouse's language and we tend to be absurdly stubborn about it.

For instance, You said your wife appreciated compliments so we know ONE of her love languages is "words of affirmation", yet you also admit you don't give many compliments. Thing is, giving compliments is one of the easiest "Fixes" to make and yet you questioned it several times. Like maybe you ought to stop complimenting her. (??) I don't get that.

It costs you nothing to give a compliment, and is NOT "pursuit" if it is an authentic compliment. It's just a Kindness & a reflection of reality. IF she cooked a delicious meal, there is no "pursuit" in telling her she's a good chef or that you enjoyed the dinner; in fact I'd argue it's rude NOT to mention it.

Saying you "wish she'd come home to cook some more" IS pursuit.

If/when she looks wonderful, there's nothing wrong with noting it and it's NOT pursuit to say "you look great" or notice specifically if she has gotten in good shape or lost weight or whatever.

It only becomes pursuit when YOU expect something back in return for the compliment, AND OR when it's flirting, or taking the compliment too far and making it too intimate.

But that sort of goes along with the "wanting something in return for the compliment" -- which will feel like the manipulation it truly would be in that scenario. Do you get what I mean by all ^^this?

I worry that you are glossing over your own work, attaching labels to her behavior like "MLC," which this is NOT, and ignoring the things you really could have control over, like finances, work schedules, your temper, and your inability to be kind and expressive to her - without wanting something in return.

BTW, you may find this study helpful in explaining SOME of the expectations that most people have. it was a study about what each gender wants most in a spouse. The 2 things most spouses want in their mates.

MEN tend to want a wife who is 1) attractive to them, (chemistry), AND

2) peace in the home. (That was seen as meaning not a lot of nagging and fighting).

WOMEN want 1) Security, (financial AND physical). A roof over her head and food on the table, (this need greatly increased with children). So #1 was seen to mean essentially, women want providers and safety.

AND The second item most valued by wives was 2) Fidelity, which is self explanatory.

So in your case, your wife had at least one love language that was not "Spoken" in her home, (= words of affirmation) and so her love tank was close to empty, AND she did not have a provider so much as an "assistant provider",

b/c as you said, she "has to work full time AND go to school" to advance her education and career and provide for the family better.


Leaving aside the issues you have with your wife, what do you think of all ^^^this? Can you understand why most rational women would be less than delighted with this arrangement?

So add to that - her own issues, like an anxiety disorder, & a ton of triggers around her - for that disorder to fulminate into full blown panic attacks, and I think you might view your marital problems a bit differently.

As much as you make of her OM, you yourself dated within what, 2 weeks of her leaving? When you broke it off with OW, I recall you mentioning how you had NOT told your wife that. All I could wonder then was, "why the heck not?" I assume it was a 'strategy" but it looks more like a punishment on your part, like she had not paid enough of a price for leaving...(just think about it).

Questions: Were your wife's nursing plans going to be THE way out of financial problems for your family?

Were You doing anything to increase your income, or was it mostly (or all) on her shoulders?

25years yes if I could afford it I would. I am financially taped. And she does no this. I have been saving up money even to file bankruptcy. I cover every thing for the kids in costs and pay well over my limit for child support. I was the one who even managed to get just major medical for the family when we didn't have anything.


3kids, what I'm about to say is probably sexist and unfair, but I still think it's true. In our society, right or wrong, we tend to see men as the main providers.

Maybe it's biological, as there are some sociologists who think the "CAVEMAN THEORY" supports this^^ finding.

In their view, the study's findings stem from a biological need in humans.

So, way back in prehistoric times, men left the cave for food. Women helped ut directly with the hunting/gathering if there were no kids,

but if there were children, Women stayed back in the cave & tended to the babies and kept the fire going (literally).

When the man came back, he needed to have some meat or at least berries and fruit, or they'd starve.

The cave woman needed to have protected the children and the cave, (no holes to the outside letting wind in, more wood for the fire, etc) or they'd die. When together, they bonded to fight & keep the wild animals from the cave & the baby. "Marriage" (i.e. partnership) and the division of labor, was required to survive.

Today, there are women who stay inside mediocre marriages, or worse, solely BECAUSE their husbands are "good providers".

Bottom line is that it's important to a woman's feelings of security, to have a h who can provide a roof over their heads & food on the table,

AND OR

to be able to do it herself. To me, it sounds as if your wife decided she needed to become a better provider, so she did this by going to more schooling. To me it seems like SHE figured it out just fine, except she was playing Superwoman and setting herself up for major disappointment -- b/c no one can survive that lifestyle with all those demands, INSIDE an unrewarding marriage, for long.

I think your w was in a real bind, for which that she lacked communication tools to discuss. Neither of you were able to express yourselves without it escalating, per your description of "talking became yelling"...

I also think she now has developed (or always had, but suppressed better), some emotional problems that are clouding her judgement and adding pressure to her already stressful life.

Do you see any validity to ^^^those statements?

I say all this^^ Not to make you feel terrible, but to help you see things from HER point of view. I fear that you are not doing that very much -- and the better you can empathize, the better your r with her (& others) will be.

I don't know what OM's temper is like, (but you admit it's a weakness of Yours), but I'm sure he SAID he could offer her financial security, and perhaps spoke in her love language by giving her compliments (words of affirmation) & making her feel like THE priority in the relationship.

So in some small way, can you see why or how OM appealed to her?


But maybe I should put the offer out there that maybe we could figure it out together if need be. Yes you are correct in that I didn't pick up on that.

I would, regardless of any OM. She is the mother of your children. This is medical --- and "in sickness and in health" was a vow you made (I assume).

Maybe it was that where do I stop being a husband and let her try and figure out her own life for once. This is all hard for me to understand. On where to stop and where to pick up.

Wow...okay so a couple things.

First, You are still her h, correct? Why stop that when she has a medical issue?

But what's with the comment "let her try and figure out her own life for once"?

seems to me, SHE was working full time and going to school AND not getting appreciated or complimented or treated very well

so to ME it sounds like she did her part and more.

You said it was Your "pride" that kept your family in a home you could not afford, that you made financial errors getting you all close to bankruptcy. Yet It was HER career that she was working on to improve the family's finances...so couldn't she say the same about you not figuring out life on your own?


Regardless, I don't see this^^ as an appropriate time for you to "let her face the consequences" of her actions. What does her illness have to do with that?

You want her to be pushed in OM's arms, or to have him take care of her to save her life, or what?

I definitely do not see how you advance your cause by saying you are "too poor to help" AND OR "Well this is what happens if you leave me", b/c I don't see the connection.

Nor do I see how it makes marriage to you, more appealing. That IS a goal of yours, right? Please Note that--

WASs do NOT return to a marriage they left,

UNLESS they believe --

that marriage to their spouse can be different/better than before.

How are you demonstrating that? (Not with words but with actions)?


Side Notes: As a nurse, she'd get normal job benefits with a full time job, like medical insurance for the family. I assume your job does not provide this. Are you hunting for a job that would?

I assume being a nurse would increase her pay. Nurses are in big demand now almost everywhere, and it's NOT hard to find a nursing job, although many of them are very demanding. Still, Even brand new graduates can find something that pays decently. Sometimes more than "decently" too. If she finishes, that would be good for her and your family.

RE medical insurance--- have you looked at any new plans made recently available in your state AND OR have you tried to enroll in Medicaid for your family?

If you are close to bankruptcy it is likely an option for you. Medicaid also offers mental health benefits, which your wife needs and I'd think you & your kids could use as well (Why not try?)

Do keep posting.

I think there's hope in your situation but I see things for you to avoid doing, that you are not avoiding enough. And giving her compliments that are sincere, is a good thing to do.

Also I think if you could make a plan for earning more money AND OR to live within your means better, would help you both feel more secure financially, you'd lower the stress in both your lives, teach your children an important life lesson, and even if you do not reconcile, it'll be better for the kids and you, to lessen these stressors.

Also, can you afford the dream house you are now renting? (Just asking). Did you get it after the sep BECAUSE she left?

QUESTIONS....Why didn't you ever offer her the opportunity to return home?

I may have missed that, AND I apologize if I did. From my recall, it looked as if you kicked her out b/c of anger/wounded ego and OM, and when she was falling apart you stood by helplessly and pointed at the "old house" she could temporarily stay in...as if it wasn't something she'd be legally entitled to do anyhow.

If that^^ is all or mostly true, how does that show her that marriage to you could be better or different for HER? Just think about it, please.

Good Luck and keep on keeping on.