It's been a year since I last logged in. What am I doing? Living my life. I have good days and bad days. I am a grandfather now. Some of the fallout is kids who act out and forget what they have been told repeatedly so my middle child is now a father. Unfortunately, he is no longer seeing the mother of his child and he is not seeing his daughter like he should. I like seeing my granddaughter even though it isn't as often as I'd like. She is precious. Also unfortunately, the situation where she lives is not the best. The mothers parents are very unusual and seem to think of their house as a rescue for troubled teens. Like I said, it is not the best place for my granddaughter to live.
Now to my recent challenge. To be honest, I don't put much weight with therapists (not including you Michele). The majority of the ones I have met through the years (my ex wife is a therapist herself) are usually as much or more troubled than their clients. I also believe in taking responsibility for my actions and not passing the blame.
Which comes to the issue with my children's therapist. All three go to the same one. I am not impressed with her. She is a nice person but I just don't think she helps. She is good at encouraging the kids to blame others for issues where I think my children should own them.
Today, I mentioned to her (via text) that I am concerned with my soon to be 18 year old. I see him acting less mature, curses like a sailor no matter who is around, completing ignoring school (his progress report arrived and he has 3 As which are easy classes and 3 Fs), and I am concerned that he may be getting high after school with friends (who come from extremely troubled homes). He plays an instrument in orchestra and has for 7 years. he is now ignoring that as well and actually got into a loud argument in class yesterday dropping F-bombs. His teacher called him on that and confiscated his cell after he started texting someone in class.
Today, during a text with his therapist, mentioning my concerns, she stated that it would help my children if they saw me move on with my life. Since I actually get together often with my mom (I was not not close with my mom while I was growing up and until I had children, I didnt spend much time with her except holidays so now I see her because she is 73 and I dont know how long she will be here) and I ride my motorcycle as much as I can (I bought it to actually have a hobby and not stay at home all the time), the only thing I could imagine was that she meant dating.
I do not want to date. I admit, I am leaving it in God's hands if it is possible to restore my marriage someday but even if my marriage is never restored, I do not want to date. I have no desire to get involved with another family. I had my family. I have my children. In the past eight years since my wife walked out our door, I have known countless people who have divorced and remarried only to either be in a bad marriage or divorce again, sometime several times.
Yes, for the first couple of years, I was lonely and wanted someone in my life. I decided that I would wait until I was ready. Considering that I had been with my wife for going on thirty years, I knew that it was best to wait until I was over her because it wouldnt be fair to myself or the person I was dating. As time went on, I decided I didnt want to complicate my life and deal with someone new, along with her family, children, issues, etc. I have enough to deal with regarding my own family.
Since I actually am a pretty good actor (and can make myself believe almost anything), I do not act depressed around my kids, even when I am depressed. When I am around any of my kids, I am always trying to get them to do something fun with me. I act cheery and goofy (which comes naturally) so they do not see my crying or walking around with sadness worn on my face.
So i responded to the therapist "are you saying that since I am not dating, it is impacting my children negatively?" She responded that dating may help them and me (understand she is not my therapist and often the interaction she has seen with me and my son is teasing each other). While I take responsibility for not being the husband I could have been, I resent that I am being told that it is my fault that the kids are hurting because I am not dating.
I do not believe in saying anything negative toward their mom and my ex wife. She is still the love of my life and I will never say anything disparaging. I will say that I believe that many of her decisions have negatively impacted the children. I do not know this as a fact but it would impact me if I were one of our children. I can't imagine that it wouldnt. Of course, I consider the root of the problem was bad decisions I made when we were together. If I had done things differently, this may not have happened, ie she would have felt secure and therefore truly loved. She may have left still but then again, she may not have left.
My point is that I do not think that my lack of dating is negatively impacting my children and I will not date unless I want to.
