First, let me ask you this: you said way up there that you are scared to stand up to him. Why? Is it fear of being left alone?
Yes, I guess it is a fear of being alone. In our marriage my H is dominant. He runs the finances, pays the bills, etc. I feel like after I stayed home with kids it's the roles we had. I'm pretty passive and have realized a rug sweeper because I tend to avoid conflict or want it over as quickly as possible.
We talked over the weekend while he was here - I told him this...
If he were genuine about working on your M - the way you're going to HAVE to work on it to make it last - then he would be jumping through hoops right now (or at least willing to be) to assure and comfort you to help you bounce back from how his actions made you feel. He says he is doing everything he knows to make me feel better. He calls or texts throughout the day. He is checking in constantly. Spending all his time with me. He's not going out during the week.
We talked about finances. He said he would add me to his accounts that he has. But he doesn't want me to be questioning every dollar he spends. He agreed to put me on the accounts. I validated his feelings (not sure if I should be still) that it may feel controlling because this is new to our marriage but I need it to feel safe.
He said he would send her a NC text this weekend when he is home if that's what I need.
He is asking what else I need to feel reassured. I'm not sure at this point.
To be honest with all my DB friends - I am taking the trust but verify approach. I put a keylogger on the computer so I have been able to monitor the spending out of the bank accounts. And his find my iphone is now turned on with out him knowing that I have the icloud password. So I can track his phone 24/7. His phone is always with him because of his job. I'm no sure how I feel about being deceptive. I am asking him to be transparent and honest with me but I'm being secretive with verifying what he says.
We went to dinner Monday night because during BD a complaint was he & I spend no time together without kids. We are driving down the road & he says "I have a surprise for you" and he pulls out his wedding ring and puts it on. (neither one of us have been wearing rings since May)
Instead of being happy I have to give my typical smart a$$ comment that "that's great that he wants to wear his ring but it's more important that he wears it when he is not with me and who knows if he takes it off while at work all week." He tells me he was trying to show that he is committed to our marriage and is doing what he knows how to do to show me. And I'm continuing to be my snarky self. We continued to bicker and I almost started to cry. This is all just so hard!!! We managed to talk about other stuff and ended up having a good time.
Because he would not answer my question about sex. He continues to say "why do you want to talk about the past 3 or 4 months after I told you I wanted out of the marriage & you told me to go. Lets talk about the problems for the past 3 years." He says he was trying hard to hold our marriage together & after we had the baby and baby was sick I was living at the hospital & taking care of other kids we drifted apart.
I know that everyone deals with crisis differently. Can I give him the benefit of doubt and accept that he could not cope with what was going on and just went off the grid? He says he wants to live in the present and focus on today and our future not the 3 or 4 month separation. I understand this & see so many people here say the past is the past and it can't be changed.
Here's where it gets ugly - He brought his burner phone home for me a couple of weeks ago - that he used from end of June until end of July. It was scrubbed clean. Nothing on the phone. I decided to do a recovery of deleted info on it.
Wow. I'm not sure if you can ever be prepared to read text exchanges from your spouse and their affair partner. The texts messages were sexual and I know now that they must have had sex and were staying over at each others places. I knew I had to be prepared for it. But it sent me back to BD day.
He called last night to tell me he was home, goodnight, etc. He asked what I was doing. I told him I was reading deleted text messages on his phone. There was dead silence.. He asked why I keep doing this to myself? I told him I asked a question about sex and I wanted the answer even if he would not provide the information.
He said "are you going to do this for the next 40 years?" Why do you want to continue to hurt yourself?" He is getting frustrated and I see it. I fully expect him to say any day that he's giving up trying. I've been pounding him with questions & frustrations every day. He said "can't we have one day where we are just happy and not talk about this?" I said " you live 3 hours a way all week and this person is 4 miles away from you. Oh my gosh how do I even begin to trust you?" He told me it's over with her has been since before I called him out. That they weren't hanging out as much. And he told her he was going home to his family on 8/19. I asked him if he cared about her, he said she was a nobody to him.
He says when he made up his mind to work on our marriage that is what he wants to do -nothing is standing in the way of that, he loves me, he is in love with me & he knows that this hurt me. He is not giving up on us and will do what I need to feel better.
Is he still gaslighting??? How do I let this go. I don't want to be out "pain shopping" but don't want to stick my head in the sand. I almost still can't believe my H had an affair. How do I move forward? How do I learn to live in the present and let go of the past? How do I keep DBing? I'm hurting - more now than during this separation. If that's even possible. I'm going to reread DR tonight.
Thanks in advance. I appreciate this forum and all of the people here.
H:40 Me:35 D5 S4 S3 months Married 8 years Together 17 years BD: 5/23/2014
