That I think I have to keep proving things. I feel I have to do stuff for people to like me, because just being myself isn't good enough. Because I don't think I'm good enough. I tell myself, "See? That's why he left you." "See? That's why you failed." "See? You didn't ______. You were too______. You're not______ enough." I fill in the blank with any adjective that fits the situation. Because as I am, I don't feel I'm enough anything. So I "do". And I try to hide behind "doing". If I'm in a crowd, and I don't know what to "do", I must be worthless. Doing=worthy. That's messed up.
I hate this. I know I need to deal with it and I'm grateful for this board....but dang his hurts. I hate being this.
I felt I had to be perfect for my mom. I was taught that love comes from doing things for others. I brought that into my relationships. I saw quickly how "acts of service" became all I was valued for. So I was afraid to stop. Because then the love would stop. But that's not even love, is it? If it stops because of that?
