I love your notes. you're are who i was/am thinking of when i say and think that coming here to forum - i can get that little arm over the shoulder and someone to say - it'll be okay - you're okay. you can do this, and are in fact "doing this". MLC can make ya feel a bit crazy now and then; i know i've said this a million times.
it's just sooooo much effort - for soooooo little return (on a daily basis) who the heck knows whether or not it will even be worth allllll of "this" in the end? nobody- sheesh!!! I lose patience- then tell myself- (what else?) one more day , you can always walk out tomorrow..\
I'm fighting like heck the notion that love doesn't matter - and isn't EVER true and forever, etc. sounds like cinderella - but i always believed love could conquer all. i find most of all - i hate losing that belief and outlook. it's soo hard to find and such worth treasuring. for me anyway - this guy's mlc is asking me to lose a very important part of my en tire mentality here. i don't want to stop believing.
I do also believe in "fighting the good fight" in life. that some things are too important to just run from. my mom - him - it's all tangled up together. doing the right thing for the right reason. it's allll in the "intention" isn't it?
you are really a good person to bother with the junk of others as you do. . And i think you are right - that he is a combination of what he was and is now. problem is this - i cannot abide the notion that he was always (always)(possibly-probably) a cheating lying guy. he says not- i find it impossible to believe. (now that i know he's a liar) what could or would i ever believe again???
it's sad - but his need to absolve himself and fess up to a "flirtation" with this ow 20+ years ago- has ruined my entire notion of our entire past. any time i wondered wtf about something for our entire life - i now attribute to her/him-"it". oh well huh?
can a girl get beyond that (enough?) we'll see.
My response to my blind trust is to think that he always was a rat and i was a deluded jerk. as in "make yourself a lamb and the wolf is ready". (current outlook )
the gym thing is interesting- and of course, there are people there so it's "out of the house". here's what i know for my area in nj- best deal is NYSC -(maybe there's one by you?) the cost is a bit less than the others around, AND - every single time i go, i can bring another person. every time!!! so that's like two for the price of one membership-. which is a truly great deal. that and for a minimal extra fee up front - you can join with ability to quit any time (for another small fee goin out) rather than HAVE TO sign up for a year and have payment taken automatically for a whole year - no matter what. h was motivating force & pays. maybe by my self i wouldn't think i should spend the $$. i am soooo constantly aware that my fortunes may change any moment- and i will be plunged in to poverty. big time. just being honest here. (of course, on the other hand, it's become abundantly clear in last five years that i could also be dead tomorrow- so why the heck am i soooo cautious of everything?
ta da- i am sore - but it feels good, maybe i can tone up a bit and lose a couple lbs. i put on some this past year- i find that (in a small way) i do tend to"reward" myself for being miserable - and grab a cookie or sweet when i'm glum. how gross huh? and i even recognize it while i'm doing it- then i shove it in and say wtf.... still walking tho. both just get my mind occupied with something other than myself - (it's the continual counting, reps, crunch stomach while i walk, etc.) like meditating i think - onward &upward huhj?
Anyway- thanks also for vote of confidence. I go around thinking i have fortitude - and i do think this is hard.
Idk if leaving is "easier". like goat girl- i fear quitting when there may be hope, or "giving up" before it is absolutely "the end of hope" - and whatever the heck else she fears. it's being alone alot too- unflattering - but there you have it. I look at my sisters - three divorced & alone & poor & unhappy and screwed up by it. my mom all alone since 1969 - 45 years allllll by herself raising us all. it's not nice or fun. everything is doable and sometimes funny with a buddy- and pretty scary alone.
I still "need" thinking i have someone there - even if it's an inadequate r. notice i said (thinking) i have someone there. i am not so sure what i have these days. i guess i still think it's better than no thing at all.
oiy!!!!! okay- rite now i am going to list a couple things on ebay and then go in the stinkin attic and find a giant mountain of something - and take it to goodwill before i stop to think. somehow "the stuff" has come to represent a big stumbling block for me- (wierdly) i think if i could somehow de-junk i'll be happier in mind and body. lots to put on a bunch of good old stuff. we'll see. i guess i'd like to think it's that easy. clean table top - clean mind.
i meant to not rant / haven't allowed self to talk about it or think much for that matter. i'm happier daily if i don't even acknowledge "it" - my f'd up l ife. who says we can't hide our heads in the sand? until you're sure your butt is actually on fire up there- it seems to help.
ta da- still on the road here...
okay- i'm outta here - and as usual - thanks so much.
xxo it makes a huge difference to know you're out there.
