So yesterday W tells me she has a second interview late afternoon so I would need to cancel my church night and keep S. I was aware it was a possibility and I actually relish any bonus time I get with S so .. .no problem. She TM me around 7:20, asking to speak with him ....red flag, she typically never does this unless she has plans ... so now the analytical side comes out, mind racing .. is she with OM, maybe a new OM, date ... what? I went on a furious mental ride for a few minutes and decided ... it doesnt matter, I have allowed this to affect me ... so I cast it aside and continued to watch the movie, had S call at the usual time a little after 8, no answer .... she TM at 9:30 saying she was in the shower then on the phone with her father ... not buying it ... (Believe 0 of what they say and 50% of what they do) I simply replied with an "Ok night" She then TM me 4:30 this morning complaining of a headache, asking how I have dealt with it for a week and a half, asking if it was concussion related .... I didnt really reply. I dropped S off, she was visibly not feeling well .... maybe guilt kept her up .. maybe the headache ... who knows I was brief, told her I hoped she felt better and ended the conversation and walked away
I feel bad, I promised her brother I would be there for her as he is getting sentenced, 5 days after my B day ... I really wanted to use my B day as the spring board to lay down my boundaries but will wait till the end of the month or so. I just can not trust her, and at this point I have been really thinking about what I get from her in our R ... even before the BD, she has used me ... and continues to do so, I have reached the point where I have changed for the better, not all to get her back .. but like the DB approach .. changed for me, because it was needed .. making a better version of me ... I have more work to do but at this point .. I am either good enough for her or I am not, I dont know what needs of mine she fills, nor ever did honestly. I do love her ... but am questioning why as of late. In a way .. I might just be counter BD'ing her soon.
