All of that up there is what you really, really should be working on right now, mdu.

As you know, this process is as much - if not MORE - about changes we need to make in ourselves as it is changes we need to see in our WASs.

Until those genuine changes are made in ourselves, our Ms won't change.

If you could switch the focus from H moving home to working on the issues in YOU that led to the breakdown of the M in the first place, it would be a big step in the right direction of really affair-proofing your M in the future. You may also, then, start viewing this time of S as more of a blessing than a curse. (More on that in a second ...)

I'm *still* trying not to play the blame game, mdu. I'm trying to learn a different way to communicate with H - a way that works for both of us. And I still fail at that from time to time because sometimes I start feeling overwhelmed and that there are only two possibilities: I start talking about one issue and then it builds until I start raining down a shi!tstorm of old grievances ... or I just keep my mouth shut and let things fester and build in me. I throw all that "validating," "boundary-setting" stuff slap out the window in the heat of a moment. And that's shameful because *I* am the one, of the two of us, with the PhD in relationships and communication (thanks to being here and reading a gazillion other books and articles on the subject when H was gone). It's proven to be extremely difficult to navigate through my hurt feelings and pain while also not blaming H for me having those feelings in the first place.

I tell you all that just because I feel like my experience is probably typical in the piecing process. You'll likely be getting there soon. And if I could rewind time - and if H and I could have afforded to continue maintaining two households at once without H having to work around-the-clock to do it - I would have *preferred* a continued S while we worked on things.

I think you could possibly twist your anxiety and fears around in your mind and instead of looking at your S as such an awful thing, maybe you could see it as a blessing in disguise. If you can't go *that* far, then maybe try to see it as the opportunity it is. You and H have an opportunity to DATE (hubba hubba) and to really solidify your re-attraction to one another and your love. You can practice new communication skills while not having to be in each other's space and face all the time. You can talk about more fun, light things than bills and household maintenance and such all the time. While those things still *matter*, they're not hanging over BOTH your heads, and in your faces all the time, like they are when you're living together.

I have no advice on how to stop the blame game. I may be in a minority here, but I don't think forgiveness is as simple as waking up one day and saying, "Well, I think I'll forgive him today." All the feelings associated with the transgression don't magically disappear when you decide to forgive and stop blaming. I think it starts with a decision, which is followed by a process. A very winding, bumpy process.

I don't know that any of that helps, mdu. But I hope it gives you at least a different perspective.


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014