Sometimes I'll have a panicky moment, but if I acknowledge it and sit with it a few minutes it subsides.
Amazing isn't it?
Yes it is. That's something I learned to do over the summer in a book I read. It's been very helpful. Previously I would try to force feelings to go away instead of acknowledging them. Part of my whole closed-off mode of operation. No more. Even H commented on this at MC the other day, how much more open I was lately. Yay for me going forward, it's a shame it took me so long to learn this. Oh, the things I wish I had known 20 years ago, seriously.
I'm feeling generally antsy this afternoon. I was on my way to a luncheon (job function), and stopped by my house, which was on the way, to pick up the cooler for snack for D11's VB game this afternoon. H was home waiting for the shower door people to finish (bathroom remodel). He was clearly upset that they were taking longer than he thought and commented that he was late for a luncheon. He did not ask me to stay, and I did not volunteer. In the past I would have totally blown off my luncheon to stay so he could leave, but I've always resented that he felt like his job was more important than mine. Yes, he makes more $, but mine has allowed my family a different lifestyle than they would have gotten if I'd had a different job. Anyway, later he sent a picture of the new shower door, and I thanked him for staying. But the whole thing just isn't sitting right, I don't even know why. It seems so silly, but yet I can feel it in my stomach. I really need to chill...
And I do feel better. After work I went to D's volleyball game then had practice for my basketball team. Dinner was "pick out" because H is out tonight, and that makes my evening very easy. Life is fine at this very moment. :-)
Good morning. Journaling this morning, H was out last night, got home late. The girls and I had a fine evening, picked out a paint color for the bathroom. H says it's too dark. In the past I would have quickly and totally caved in to the color he wants, even though I dislike it. But today I'm wondering why would I do that when he's about to move out anyway? I've always been jealous of those women whose Hs let them do whatever they wanted with the house. Mine is picky and there are a lot of things I would do differently. After he leaves, I have some re-decorating plans, although my budget will be small.
On the other hand, I need to keep him somewhat happy and invested in the house, since he's going to continue to pay for everything. I guess I won't paint the bedroom pink just yet.
H is supposed to take D11 home from her VB game and get her dinner tonight because I have Back to School Night for D16. Last time he was supposed to pick her up, he messed up royally. I asked him this morning if there was anything I could do to help him, and he said no, that he had just messed up. But I found out yesterday that he had thrown me under the bus to D11 about last time, he said that I hadn't told him where to go. I guess emails and texts don't count.
I went to lunch with a very dear friend and told her that H was moving out soon. It was hard. She's the first one to know outside my priest/therapist friend and I just found it extremely difficult, I cried all the way back to work and I'm still a little weepy. I can't even especially put my finer on the emotion, yes I'm sad that he's moving out, but there's some sense of failure, and some social loss there, too. Some glimpse that I will probably be asking this woman for favors, help with the kids, etc. in the future, so maybe embarrassment or a fear of looking pathetic. Hard to say right now.
I'm sure your girls will love it!