It's a statement my H has repeated before. It's a safe place to go. The ow can't put pressure on them or they walk out.
The trick is to figure out what the attraction was to begin with. And start doing that. In my H 's case, she listened to him. He talks alot. So, I have to listen to him so she isn't needed anymore. And so home is the "safe" place to be.
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
Cathy - A little window into your WAH's mind here-
He feels like he turned to the OW because you had abandoned him (I know, I know, you didn't - but in their depression, WAS's actually think they feel that way because YOU let them down, so it isn't really their fault - it's yours!)
He feels like "can't she see how sick I am and how much I need her to take care of me" - even while he's pushing you away!
He absolutely can't deal with your pain yet - because he feels so terrible about what he's done, if you bring it up, believe me, he just can't deal with the guilt and the pain right now. Takes months sometimes. And some WASs never come home even though they want to because they just can't deal with their guilt.
So - tough as this may be right now - focus on speaking his love languages, filling his love tank, avoid discussions that make him feel guilty, try to help him see he needs help with his drinking problem, and reassure him you will continue to fight for him (sometimes they are like kids testing the limits with their parents - wanting to see if you'll still love them.)
This time your H is home to stay, I didn't feel that the last time. Yep my gut says he is home for good!
But, your H does have problems and he does need help, so this is not going to be easy, as you have stated. No rose-colored glasses for Cathy! LOL
Hang in there, I'll be praying for you!
I loved when he wanted to get rid of the cell phone. There are many of us here that have a hatred for our H cell phones! My H was alos guilty of having a full blown A using that cell phone! {{{Cathy}}} YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE IT!
Cathy - great news - DBing works - But now remember what Churchill said way back when. This is not the end, it is not the beginning of the end. But rather the end of the beginning.
Now is the time to really start to work on the Keeping Love Alive and set the patterns for the rest of your life with H. Good luck and congratulations
At the beginning of this madness H did take our S to OW's. I was out of town for a much need vacation and flipped when I got back. I told him that S didn't belong over there and that unless he knew what he was doing that our S would not get involved in that situation. That I was thinking of our S's best interest and that wasn't his best interest. H had to make up his mind as to what he was doing. H would always say "he didn't know what he was doing" staying with OW or coming back. I held strong the whole time, OW didn't like it, but that was too bad. S just thought his dad was gone a lot.
Has you D met the OW and how old is your D? I would not let you D stay over night there, but that's me. Children need to have at least one parent who is stable and can do what's in the best interest of the child.
OW? Yes, her H died a year ago last September. When H first hooked up with OW it was probably oh about 5 months after H had died. OW was a pity party I'm sure and played my H like a violin. But, now H is seeing her real colors.
Oh and by the way, OW bought a bass boat a couple months after H had moved in with her...hmmm...H couldn't figure out why...she said she wanted to try something different. Could it maybe have been because my H used to have a bass boat and the fishing equipment? She received an insurance payment when her H died..so she had some money to spend. She also bought H a very expensive gun cabinet right before Xmas. H demanded she take it back.
OW is nuts, I believe and probably more codependent than I am..or was...
Wow! I think you did GREAT!!! These guys need a good dose of reality from time to time. I agree with Deb, I think your H is home to stay.
I was thinking about you last night as dd and I went down for the night.
As you very well know, your H has some problems aside from his MLC. I hope and pray that he will get help for that this time. I will keep you, your H and the little guy in my prayers.
Quote: I would not let you D stay over night there, but that's me. Children need to have at least one parent who is stable and can do what's in the best interest of the child.
I agree with you 100%. How did you keep your H from taking S over for the night? As you know, mine hasn't taken dd for longer than a day but I want to be prepared.
Congratulations again Cathy! Enjoy and stay strong. Minnie
I was thinking of you last night, too, as our S is H's world. I think it hit H that H didn't want to miss ONE day of our S's life and that he wanted to be with us.
It was kind of bittersweet last night. H still doesn't think I care for him. I said yes, I do I love you. I told him last night that I loved him and that I loved him more than I even thought I did. He then said that I didn't care about him and I said "you won't let me care about you."
I'm not sure why H went along with my rule with S NOT going to OW's or being a part of THAT world. Since H didn't know what he was doing, it didn't make sense for S to get involved. I mean I just didn't want that for our S, to be a part of that madness. So it worked for me.
Read LivenLearns thread, as she is having this same situation put on her and all the posts saying "not" to let this happen.
You can do this. Take care of yourself and youf S but give your H all the support and TLC to tackle his issues. He needs you - coming back is his way of asking for your help.
As someone else said, fill his love tank. Find a solutions-based C and encourage your H to go. Maybe he will go alone first and then you will join him later. Whatever it takes huh?!?!?
You go girl!
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
