Who was it that was talking about how the little things completely throw us off our paths? One text exchange and I'm spinning a bit. Not a lot but a bit...
I think after the recent talk with H about him needing time to see his IC and to get over his anger and his Ss-induced-ptsd, I've been choosing the see only the positive in all of that but perhaps I'm not being realistic.
Hear me out here:
I see myself as rather rational at the moment. Clear headed and grounded. I feel I see our situation as it actually was. We had HUGE problems. Insurmountable problems. 18 years of unresolved stuff. Some of that will never get resolved, I realize that but some of the other stuff I now have a guide on how to address it at least. This is BIG because so much of our marriage was stagnant because we had no idea HOW.
1. I am finding myself resentful that I am STILL the one coming up with solutions. He always just kind of sat there stunned with no solutions, even when pressed and pushed. He just couldn't come up with any while I always had a list of ideas. Therapy. A retreat. Date nights more often where we focused on connecting. This book. That book. This technique. That idea. None of it worked for more than a few days because not only did I have to come up with the idea, I had to implement it and encourage it and maintain it. ALWAYS.
1) what would REALLY happen if you did not do it all? Did you ever try NOT handling it all?
2) isn't the reason it did not work for long b/c you stopped and or b/c it required his participation, HIS buy in?
So without it, with just you "Solving it all", it never really was solved, correct? What do you make of that?
I honestly believe that if I didn't do it all it wouldn't get done. It would just sit and fester and grow mold and smell bad and we'd be back where we are. But you're right, me doing it all didn't work and me not doing it all didn't work so what are my options?
This is a BIG fear of mine. Being damned if I do and damned if I don't. I can carry the torch all I want but if he just sits there and watches me where does that get US? And asking for his participation is just more of the same which makes him roll his eyes and point the finger at me so where does that get US? And what if he commits to participate and cooperate but stops after three days (which is his M.O.). It's like he becomes paralyzed and is mad at ME for it.
Granted, I am assuming a little bit here that he would continue to sit and stare at me busting my arse to fix this marriage. Maybe he'd actually do something but I have no evidence to support that surmising. I can only change ME but how do I handle this if DOING didn't work and NOT DOING didn't work???
2. I am not under the illusion that I was an amazing wife and H is completely nuts for wanting a D. No. I get it. What I don't understand is his incredible fragility.
One of his complaints was that I emasculated him. I won't deny it. I have thought about this a lot and I think the reason why was my sick way of motivating him to be MORE of a man. That clearly backfired and didn't work but I kept doing it. Dumb. Arguably abusive, in fact.
Isn't H's severe fragility and "ptsd" sort of self-emasculating? Call me out on this if you disagree or have a different perspective, please!
Hard to say. Your bias in the story here may be coloring my view. But yeah it seems like a self fulfilling prophecy now. AND probably some sort of habit he picked up by abdicating. It meant less conflict and less of you badgering him, but then, well, he got used to it. Now you are saying "But I'm different!" and the implied statement that comes next is "So YOU should be different too!"
^^^ I am trying really hard to NOT think like this. His changes are HIS to make and HIS to live. Mine are mine. It's how they meet that will be the true testament of whether this can work which is why I'm determined to not be the weakest link.
We definitely need a plan (IF we should ever get to that point) on how to do the "working on the marriage stuff".
It's sick to me how we fought about everything, including working on our marriage. UGH!
And I doubt it'll work that linearly. He'll need time to believe it and to see that if you really do back off and Not make all the choices, some things won't get solved and that will either have to be okay w/you, or he'll have to step up to the plate...
otherwise this is NOT new behavior. It's just you waiting to decide if HE is acting fast enough or the way you want him too, quickly enough and YOU will decide if and when YOU will take over or what?
I think YOU have to be willing to let him fail for awhile, and probably not ever bring it up.
IF IF IF he wonders why something did not get handled you can say you thought that was what he wanted and you were determined not to take over...
hopefully some mature rational discussions will take place about when and if he wold prefer for YOU to handle something and when he'd wants a Joint decision.
^^^I hope a mature, rational discussion can occur, too, 25. At this point, that's the ONLY thing I can think of that would work. Otherwise it's just more of the same from me which isn't working.
I can understand being hurt. I can understand feeling "dead inside" but once there is a solution proposed that seems like it could actually work and makes good sense, doesn't that help heal? Not for H. He's still "dead inside".
He's waiting for the emotions to come first and THEN he'll "ACT" the way the new emotions allow. But that's like waiting for happiness to land in your lap.
^^^ I think you're right and it's frustrating. Not only happiness to land in his lap but resentment to just fly away on its own. GRRRR!!!
But we can ACT our way into feelings...it's like how some actors behave physically and mentally, in a way their character would ---and THEN they feel like crying. They act and THEN They feel.
I think Shawn Achor and Amy Cuddy did some short talks on this in those TED TALKS videos. Shawns was on Positive Psychology and Amy Cuddy's talk was about "Faking it til you BECOME it" and both topics touch on this issue.
Look those up and see what you think. It'd be a good issue for his IC to address (and NO, you cannot suggest that)
I guess I am feeling like he's soaking and festering in his resentment and anger and fragility and "ptsd". Does that make sense? At what point does he get up and say, "I want to feel differently and I have control over that!"???
WHEN HE HAS TO...b/c no one else can/will do it for him.
He has no desire to change his mental perspective. It's just down, down, down, all the time. It's draining to be a pessimist but it's draining to be married to one, too.
Perhaps I'm belittling his feelings, that isn't my intention.
How do I honor his feelings while still wondering if he's acting like a victim who is self-emasculating himself in the process??
You GAL like a maniac. You radiate optimism and exude inner contentment. You believe it b/c it's real for you. And you let that show. He'll either want to get on board your ship or he'll choose to fester and wallow in his victimhood.
As long as you can demonstrate with your lifestyle and behavior, that happiness IS OUR RESPONSIBILITY and that we CAN MAKE ourselves happy,
(& you do this, by doing it) then that is all you can do.
I can do this. I really can. I guess what you're saying is to continue to give him time and occupy myself by GAL.
I must say that I exude happiness because I FEEL IT. I have my ups and downs but mostly I am up and I'm not faking it. I have become it for sure. I'm proud of that. I am taking your advice, 25. I have a cooking class tomorrow with a friend, I'm yoga-ing like a crazy woman, joined a separated/divorce support group, considering self-defense classes and I actually looked up our local flight school (it's a bucket list thing for me and you're my inspiration).
And I suppose there's no way to actually call him on that, huh?
Nope. Didn't think so.
If he ever ASKS you why you two are far apart or something that resembles a question about HIS attitude,
You can stress that the big lesson you learned thru this ordeal, and for which you remain eternally grateful, is HOW TO BE HAPPIER. Don't tell him he's wallowing, b/c as the source of a lot of his pain, originally at least, it's too self serving for you to say that.
Besides, you're showing him the way, will always be more powerful.
^^^ this is can do. I won't say that he's wallowing but I can explain how *I* became happier.
All of this came about because my BFF, her husband and her 9 week old daughter are coming into town this weekend. They are technically our best friends in the whole world but since the separation H has decided they are "my friends". Ok. How noble of you.
They are coming into town and want to see him and have him meet their new daughter. I texted him to tell him this.
H Ok, I'm assuming I'll stay clear. Me: Why? H: They're your friends - and I want to honor that and it's your weekend with D. There's no reason for me to be there. Even though I'd love to meet [baby], it seems like a social mine field. I'll be out and about anyway.
This made me think that he's mentally separating our friends already so maybe all my positivity is misguided. These are our best friends in the whole world.
I think you are doing some mind reading here. Try not to so much.
He may feel ashamed and not want to see them now, OR maybe he's paving the way into his new "Single life" as you fear.
But I'd reiterate that they love HIM too, they're not 'mad" at him. Maybe have the man of the couple invite him out. In fact, you could arrange it so he can see them without you around. After that, drop it.
Don't assume that you are reconciling in your behavior towards him. Do NOT do another temperature check, please... I think he's getting scared off. Please do not ask him how he feels again.
I believe very much that the fastest way to cool a R is to keep taking its temperature.
If he says he's "dead inside" again, you can be puzzled but more in the "gee that's too bad for you b/c I"m more alive now than in a long time".... cool
No more temperature checks. ROGER 10-4 on that good buddy!!
No more assuming that we are reconciling with my behavior. I have absolutely been doing that (how'd you know?!). No more. Just exude happiness, let it seep through my skin and my bones and my heart. I know it's having a positive impact on my D so I know it's where i need to continue to be.
I fear that if I say something like, "gee, i'm more alive than i've been in a long time" it'll allow him more victimization because he looks at me like "yeah, you killed my heart, so happy you're all alive and happy."
It's like he enjoys being so broken. That's insensitive. I don't think he ENJOYS it but he definitely gets something from letting me know I've made him "dead inside" repeatedly.
H and I have successfully hung out as a couple (sort of) with other friends who are less important but he can't bring himself to hang out with our best friends and their new daughter?
Is he embarrassed? I don't think so.
Ashamed? I dont' think so.
So WTH?!
It's one of three possibilities. He IS ashamed in some way, and OR he doesn't want you to keep seeing you guys as a couple,
AND or some other mood or reason you'll never comprehend or ever guess. ^^^ It's the bold above for sure. The idea of us as a couple is repugnant to him (ouch) right now. I can see now how some of my behaviors have been sort of pushing this couple idea on him more and more. I need to stop that.
IF it's one of the first two reasons, then your best bet is to GAL happily and see if he can see them without you, and then drop it.
If it's neither of those first 2 reasons, drop it now b/c you'll never guess and it may not matter.
Should I take a risk and text: "well, you're welcome to enjoy take out sushi and wine with us on Sunday if you're around"
I wonder what separations were like before texting.
