KGirl - 7 months later...

[KGirl]

Thanks, everyone... I think I need to do some more reading on grief and divorce/break-ups so I can see A) that I'm not crazy and this is normal and B) what things might help process this and get through it intact. I think with the school year starting and summer "over" (my job is based around the school year), reality sets in more. During the summer it felt like I was just on an extended vacation or summer camp or something... now it's settling in more that this is very likely to be my new reality. Me and Jasper the cat in this one bedroom apartment. One book I read did talk about how when you near the "letting go" stage (before acceptance) you feel a lot of the grief and despair you did initially, but in a different way.. moreso in a big picture way ("what is the purpose of life? why am I here?") etc. Maybe that is where I'm at now.

H is weird and that doesn't help. I told my mom about some of the texts he's been sending and her response was "Good! He wants to reconnect with you, things are turning around!" To which I said, no, I don't think so, it's just random small talk. I said that if he wants to turn things around I would need something concrete from him (like, I don't know, a "I want to talk about us and try and work on things" sort of statement?) Her response: "Maybe this is his way of doing that." And that kind of threw me for a loop because we talk a lot here about not taking stock in much of anything unless it's the "what will it take?" sort of statement. Not sure what to think about that.

I'm also a little freaked out because H and I have agreed to meet tomorrow so he can give me the food he won't eat anymore. I decided not to stress myself out with going to the house. He offered to drop it off but I don't really want him to come to where I live, so we're meeting at a parking lot in-between. The neutral spot makes me feel a litle better though it kinda feels like a ransom exchange. I am scared because I don't know if this will be just a stuff exchange, or if he'll have something more to say (specifically something final). Worst case scenario he says "I've made up my mind, I want a D." I shouldn't be scared of that because it's what I've been preparing for or seeing as the likely outcome but it would still sting to hear it. I know I shouldn't worry so much about what he *might* say but I also don't want to be completely unprepared for the possibility. I do want to see how he's doing because a friend had commented on his physical appearance and I'm concerned he's not taking care of himself, eating, etc. Not sure what I will do if I do see something concerning, maybe send someone in his family a message asking if they've seen him lately. I will be sure to look my best, not mopey, but not super excited either (because I am just honestly not super excited to have to see him and do this). Polite indifference might be a good attitude to shoot for?

Maybell, I wish you could explain the random outreaches, too. You could make tons of money off a website or book on explaining WAS's I was reading somewhere over in MLC about "touches" vs. actual reconnecting and maybe these are just "touches" to make sure I'm still here/around.