The Goddess of Goats Thrives Alone on Her Mountain

[GoatGal]

GAL UPDATES, Y'ALL!

Friday I was at the "Girl's Night In" slumber party, and I had a blast. H was here when I went out, and we were very chatty and he actually asked me "Whose house are you at again?" (He'd stopped asking. I wonder if he wanted to make sure it was a GIRL. Well, it was Girl's Night, right?)

He was also really upbeat and asked me about myself!!!
That's different!

So the girls (new and old friends) really seemed to enjoy being around me and I felt very confident.
I make people laugh, cook great food for them, entertain them... but not GUBU.
Nooooooo. GUBU NO LIKE GOAT GAL!
(Okay. Maybe HE LIKE in small doses.)

Keep reading....

H and I been calling each other again, back to emailing, texting more... he stayed here while I was gone Friday night, and sounded disappointed (?) that he couldn't stay until I got back on Saturday afternoon.

THAT was weird. First time I ever got the impression that he WANTED to see me. Hmmmmm......
Definitely NO mention of wanting to "talk" or anything else heavy. He was just talking about the dogs, random things. It was weird.

The phone call we had was as if nothing had ever happened between us, (except no "I love you" at the end).

I drove home that morning feeling the tiniest bud of love in my heart for my old H.
I felt he was still in there, I'd spoken with him. I've seen more and more glimmers of him this last week. My feeling was like it was a match lit on a windy night--you have to protect that flame from going out.

I got home a bit hopeful, feeling maybe there is something there after all.

Sunday he was here again, we did doggy toenails, trimmed some matts, sat outside for a bit. It was a beautiful day, very pleasant.
He gave Horton the Hairless Dog a bath so he'd smell nice for our Woof and Wine event.

Our interactions were really nice, friendly, we actually laughed and smiled, he talked more about some people we know and actually asked me about myself.
Second time in two days. Wow.

He also asked if I've gotten a bike helmet yet. (No, but I will).
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So--yeah. Woof and Wine.

Awesome!!!
There was a band playing, my kind of stuff, I ended up talking with the band members, and will be going play their open mic in their area within the next few weeks. I didn't know that event even existed!
It's always nice to talk "music" and "art" with like minded people.

I had a great time; people were very friendly... men and women talking to me invited me to sit with them, sharing wine and food--the band and I were chatting... of course all the people who knew me from my work with the SPCA dogs were there and it was nice to see them.

I left there feeling GREAT about myself, my life, my abilities--but not so much about my marriage.
I kept imagining GUBU there and that thought was a real downer.

The old H would have enjoyed it, but perhaps would have not liked me being so friendly with people, because it makes him uncomfortable.

Like he'd feel diminished somehow... thinking back I've seen this before in some social situations.
He'd say negative things about the most accomplished people there, having to put them down, telling me afterwards that he couldn't believe I'd said X.Y,Z... and me thinking I'd put my foot in my mouth. Made me self-conscious.

Looking back now, I don't remember anyone ever being upset with me, only HIM telling me that I talked too much, or whatever. People seemed to like me, so now I wonder what all that was about.

Now I think he felt I was "showing him up" or something.
Shining too brightly. As if I should be less talented and friendly because he'd feel better about himself.

That is really sad.

I don't toot my own horn or shove my accomplishments in peoples' faces. I say things here because I'm sharing my thoughts. But in real life, that would be RUDE. And I don't "do" rude.

But gee whiz--when people are confident, they don't seem bothered by the fact that I have some interesting abilities. To go along with my disabilities!
That I can "entertain" them is a plus. For everyone except GUBU, I guess.
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So the downside was--once again being around people who really seem to enjoy me, then coming home and dealing with GUBU who can't seem to find one good thing about me, or at least that he will share with me.

That's where we're back to now.

I sent him one pic from the event because he asked me to.
He texted back "Great!!!" Sunday afternoon and then I heard nothing from him until Monday night when he was on his way here.

I actually called him because the text got cut off (An accident? I worried.)
We ended up laughing on the phone. He was very upbeat.

But when he got here, he stayed busy, and pretty much dashed and ran. Nothing from him until late today, just a brief text saying he had to work late but that he'd come if I wanted him to.

I said I'd take care of the animals on my own, no worries.

I do not expect to hear anything more from him tonight.
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So I'm just leaving him alone.

I figure he's working stuff out, and being around me is too hard. He's got to know he's been a total chit to me over the last few years.
I'm remembering some more not-so-nice things he's done, now that I'm calming down and thinking a bit more clearly---and for sure he's got to be remembering too. That can't feel very good.

I KNOW he has enjoyed the time we've spent together. I know he sees me doing things, being happy, my friends checking up on me and keeping me busy. I know I look great and I'm actually having a pretty good time, all things considered!

It does sting a bit that every time we have a nice time together, he withdraws. But I've learned to expect it.

I don't really understand why they do that, but they do.

Almost like they don't WANT to like us, or enjoy our company, because that would mean they were WRONG.... or it would make it hard to blame us, carry out their evil plots...
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So call it a "Touch and Go" or "Pursuit and Distance", whatever. It's the same.
We get closer, and then he scurries off. Three steps forward and two steps back.

But seeing some of my H in there, little smiles, little laughs. That is HUGE.
I think the therapy is helping him get some clarity about himself.
And the bike rides are also helping him. That has always been how he thinks: Either running or cycling. He needs that, so I'm happy he's doing it again.
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But let's talk more about ME!
Me! Me! MEMEMEMEMEEEEE!!!

I've been off the board for a bit, just taking a break and because I've been busy, working up some new tunes for a gig at the end of the month, brushing off some of my (currently stale) guitar skills.
It's going to be great.

Plus I'm GALing my butt off.

Sleep is better thanks to a new sleep med from Dr.
It's working wonders and it helps with my appetite and general anxiety during the day. It's a very low dose, but boy, does it help!
My overall attitude is better and I know that good sleep is at the core of that improvement.

I've gained almost five pounds since I started it. I'm quitting at that gain, but want to maintain it since a stressful setback could cause me to lose that and more.


More to come down the road....

---GGG