I tell everyone my wife has a heart of gold. She is very kind.
She is not abusive all the time. Only when she is angry. This is when she screams and calls me names. When she does this I get very hurt and go into my shell.
I know I shouldn't hold on to the pain but I do.
I know I cause her pain but I can't see her pain over my pain. I want her to understand my pain. Acknowledging my pain is not enough because she doesn't stop her behavior. She may not be yelling today but she will eventually yell at me and this will start my pain clock again.
I get frustrated with her and then I get frustrated with myself. Once she yells at me it's like, “See there it is!” But when she says “Yes I see it.” I say “No you really don’t see it.”
I have done a bad job realizing how frustrating this is for her. I even recognize I am wrapped up in the pain. But I cannot explain how overwhelming it is in my world. I think sometimes I can step out of myself a little and be rational but then it consumes everything again.
When I talk about the possibility of divorce no one suggests reconciliation or counseling.
This is something that hurt my wife deeply after I moved back home last year.
She felt she was shunned by my friends and family after we reconciled when she should have been embraced for how she fought for our marriage.
