Who was it that was talking about how the little things completely throw us off our paths? One text exchange and I'm spinning a bit. Not a lot but a bit...
I think after the recent talk with H about him needing time to see his IC and to get over his anger and his Ss-induced-ptsd, I've been choosing the see only the positive in all of that but perhaps I'm not being realistic.
Here me out here:
I see myself as rather rational at the moment. Clear headed and grounded. I feel I see our situation as it actually was. We had HUGE problems. Insurmountable problems. 18 years of unresolved stuff. Some of that will never get resolved, I realize that but some of the other stuff I now have a guide on how to address it at least. This is BIG because so much of our marriage was stagnant because we had no idea HOW.
1. I am finding myself resentful that I am STILL the one coming up with solutions. He always just kind of sat there stunned with no solutions, even when pressed and pushed. He just couldn't come up with any while I always had a list of ideas. Therapy. A retreat. Date nights more often where we focused on connecting. This book. That book. This technique. That idea. None of it worked for more than a few days because not only did I have to come up with the idea, I had to implement it and encourage it and maintain it. ALWAYS.
2. I am not under the illusion that I was an amazing wife and H is completely nuts for wanting a D. No. I get it. What I don't understand is his incredible fragility.
One of his complaints was that I emasculated him. I won't deny it. I have thought about this a lot and I think the reason why was my sick way of motivating him to be MORE of a man. That clearly backfired and didn't work but I kept doing it. Dumb. Arguably abusive, in fact.
Isn't H's severe fragility and "ptsd" sort of self-emasculating? Call me out on this if you disagree or have a different perspective, please!
I can understand being hurt. I can understand feeling "dead inside" but once there is a solution proposed that seems like it could actually work and makes good sense, doesn't that help heal? Not for H. He's still "dead inside".
I guess Iam feeling like he's soaking and festering in his resentment and anger and fragility and "ptsd". Does that make sense? At what point does he get up and say, "I want to feel differently and I have control over that!"???
He has no desire to change his mental perspective. It's just down, down, down, all the time. It's draining to be a pessimist but it's draining to be married to one, too.
Perhaps I'm belittling his feelings, that isn't my intention.
How do I honor his feelings while still wondering if he's acting like a victim who is self-emasculating himself in the process??
And I suppose there's no way to actually call him on that, huh?
Nope. Didn't think so.
All of this came about because my BFF, her husband and her 9 week old daughter are coming into town this weekend. They are technically our best friends in the whole world but since the separation H has decided they are "my friends". Ok. How noble of you.
They are coming into town and want to see him and have him meet their new daughter. I texted him to tell him this.
H Ok, I'm assuming I'll stay clear. Me: Why? H: They're your friends - and I want to honor that and it's your weekend with D. There's no reason for me to be there. Even though I'd love to meet [baby], it seems like a social mine field. I'll be out and about anyway.
This made me think that he's mentally separating our friends already so maybe all my positivity is misguided. These are our best friends in the whole world. H and I have successfully hung out as a couple (sort of) with other friends who are less important but he can't bring himself to hang out with our best friends and their new daughter?
Is he embarrassed? I don't think so.
Ashamed? I dont' think so.
So WTH?!
Should I take a risk and text: "well, you're welcome to enjoy take out sushi and wine with us on Sunday if you're around"
I wonder what separations were like before texting.
