MOVING UP MOVING ON

[Ambivalent]

Thanks TL...It was a better day than usual. Anger and bitterness are not with which I battle. It is depression. It can grab you when you don't expect and just rip your heart out.

I'm having difficulty motivating myself to do things and don't find joy in the things I used to.

I'm preoccupied with a situation and can't stop perseverating about it. Then there is the other side that just wants to go under the covers. Without a child at home I don't have a drive to do something. I've been feeling anxious and guilty for not doing what I believe I should be doing. I need to just cuddle up and be stroked, but I cannot even do that now.

I don't feel like I can just be sad. I feel like I have to always be the up person, the one with the smile. Well I just feel like sobbing and I'm tired of the aching in my stomach. Sometimes I feel as if I'm right back where I started.

It doesn't have anything to do with my stbx. I actually am at a very comfortable place there. He never understood depression and didn't have any patience for me not being there for him to feed off of.

I want to feel better, I want to find the motivation I had , but I'm finding it very difficult to do things. I'm bathing, eating, getting to the gym, and dance class. WHY can't I shake this?

Part of me wonders if it has to do with JTM. The whole wife in the pic, sitch. I believe I'm hurting because I think he is confused and may not be done. I believe it is triggering the feeling of being second to another.

With my stbx I was second; to his friends, and family. Now I have fallen for a man who is having to confront his own feelings of being left behind and not wanting his divorce.

I have a man in my life that can't let go of his ex-wife, and can't quite let me go either. Instead he is distancing to figure things out while simultaneously keeping in contact, albeit every four days or so.

This is brutal and feels as if someone is standing on my chest. I don't want to mind read, yet it hurts so much. I want to study to go forward, but I can't concentrate. I want to scream, yet I only tear up.

I've learned a lesson and I don't ever want to be here again. I know I have moved on, but I end up with a divorced husband. Not a divorced man. The difference? A divorced husband will drop everything to go to the aid of his ex. He will still try to figure out what went wrong by being available.

A divorced man will let go of the rope . He will see that she is an adult and let her deal with challenges on her own. He will not allow a past relationship to dictate what to do in his current one. When someone has been married as long as thirty years and has children our former mate's will always be part of our lives. I do understand this, being civil and co parenting are part of the package.

I think both of us thought he was moving on. The feelings he's having that he doesn't like are causing pain.

I hurt because I believe I need to let go. I need to tell him we should take a break. If he figures things out and can be fully present later; we may wish to see each other down the road.

I don't EVER want to be second ever again. I value myself too much to allow someone to come before me.

I've learned I can live w/o stbx. I am lovable, desirable, likeable, and have so much love to give. I know I would like to share times with another, not all the time, but a couple of times during the week. I know I don't just want anybody. I have pride in myself and my abilities.

I don't know how to do this, for I never was good at saying goodbye. I've never done it with someone who holds my heart. This is devastatingly painful <:',C

I think I'll give myself another twenty four to forty eight to percolate.