Cathy, There is no set time limit on the stages. Replay can be anywhere from a year to possibly 3 or more, depending upon him facing his demons/issues, accepting that he was not at fault for whatever may have happened in his childhood, etc. I'm just estimating from what you've told me, but I'm almost certain he'll go another 6-8 months. Depression should be entering the picture now. Have you noticed any sadness on his face, what about his appearance? Check the eyes out, as they are the window to the soul.
Cathy, I can't emphasize enough the importance of turning your attention back on to yourself and your family. The more you try to analyze him, the crazier you are going to get. There is no way that you'll ever figure out what he's doing or thinking during this time because he is operating on emotions only. He's definitely not rational that's for sure. You have to let him go physically, mentally and emotionally so that he can heal totally. You have your own little journey to make right now and the door of opportunity awaits you. Yes, he is your husband, but there's not one thing you can do for him during this time, but be a friend and leave him out there to twirl in the wind.
There are many who will survive their crisis and come out the other side as mature, responsible, whole men/women. They may or may not bring back into their real life some of the "teen" traits that they picked up along the way back to earth, some of these traits may be good, some bad. If and when he wakes up and comes to you, then will be the time to decide whether you want him back. That will be your decision, not his.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yes H his depressed. But he wouldn’t admit it, I can tell by his voice when I talk to him on the phone or while he was here he wouldn’t talk and just wanted to be left alone. He’s been drinking a lot more lately, he doesn’t seem to care too much about his appearance, but then he works construction so he doesn’t usually dress up to often.
I have been taking care of myself and my son. Right now I don’t really have any feelings for H I can’t feel anything, I do feel sorry for him, but I can’t help him and it’s just so darn hard to watch the show sometimes.
I feel fine, I was a little edgy today, my nerves were still a little raw. I’m a little down tonight because I don’t want to deal with H anymore. I can feel myself settling down after the affairs of this weekend. I won’t try to analyze my H, I just don’t have the energy. He’s insane, something is terribly wrong with H—yes I know MLC.
I do have to take care of myself. I cannot take the anger, the abuse any longer. I cannot let my S take it either, I have to protect my S from this madness. I cannot let my H treat me like crapp anymore. No I’m not going to get angry, I’m going to walk away or ask H to leave..which will make him even madder.
I’d really like a break from my H. I’m not going to call him, I’m going to discourage him from coming to see S for awhile. There’s nobody in my 3D life that I want to talk with this about either. Nobody would understand. I just feel kind of alone, maybe that’s the word, to deal with this.
But, that’s okay, I just need some distractions some fun. I’m also PMS so that might be part of my moodiness/edginess.
H was here today, his mail is gone and that’s all. I must have just missed him, I know it takes a good 45 minutes for H to get here from his job and I usually am home about 15 minutes after he gets here. So he snuck away again.
I’m at a loss as to what I should say to H about him leaving again. Do I say anything? Do I ask H for an explanation? It’s going to be my fault no matter what. Do I just ignore it ever happened. I don’t feel like having any conversations with H, I don’t know if I can act happy when he does show up, I can be at peace with myself.
I guess I’ll just have to wait for the confrontation.
Hugs all who helped me through this most difficult time. I wish I could put a finger on the way I’m feeling about this whole thing now…detached like I’ve never been before might be appropriate. Maybe it’s that I don’t feel emotionally attached to H anymore, I don’t feel a part of his drama. I’m off the rollercoaster and that is a good feeling.
The best thing is to do nothing; don't ask your H to leave. "act as if" he is a renter, if you have to. Stay out of his drama and live your life.
I like snoddery's post to you and felt like it could also apply some to mine. My H has been depressed for months; the sadness in his eyes the way he holds himself. We can't help them and they don't want us to show them pity or sympathy. It only makes them feel worse.
The best is to go about your business and don't get sucked up in his drama. Hard to do, but I know you can do it; you have it in you!
I have learned much going through this journey; we are just a bystander in all this. We can only be there if they choose to invite us in once in a while. I go in with no expectations, you should too.
Some men come out and some don't, we can only hope that our H do, and that's all. We must rebuild our lives and leave a door open, just in case they do come back. Sometimes it is not possible to leave that door open. Sometimes, we move too far ahead without our S's. We will just have to see. Only time will tell. Most times our H's take too long and we move on permently without them, this is not our fault. Bridges are burnt that should have, and there is no way to reconnect.
Take care, do the best you can! You are not alone, we are here for you!
I'm sorry that the only thing I can offer you is hugs and all the wishes that I have for you to get through this awful time as best you can for you and your son.
This past weekend was a turning point for me too. I also feel more at peace than I have for a while. Still have a ways to go but now I know that I'll get there.
It's funny how much we have in common. My H is in construction too and doesn't much care how he dresses either.
Take care of yourself,
Mary
"God, help me keep my head up, my heart open, and know I'll always be guided along the path."
So when he decides to show his face again, do I ask him for rent money? lol. I can't even joke with him anymore, his sense of humor is gone, too.
Do I say hi how are you? What do you want? Do I know you? Aren't you S's dad?
Expectations? What are those again...hmmmmm.... okay they're gone!
Yes my H may be too far gone already. To come back now would just be too much for him, to stay where he's at would be more comfortable...for both of us.
The thing that boggles my mind is that it was so sudden. I don't think it was planned, know it wasn't planned. H had just been to the store to by some things, just wanted to watch a movie and not be bothered and then BOOM he's gone in FLASH.
Here is something to think about. I go back and read it often when I get in situations like you are in right now.
THE REAL ENEMY
Main Scripture: Isaiah 49:8-26
Are you angry at your spouse? Are you tired of all the circumstances? When we say we are praying and waiting for our spouse to come home, we often forget who is the enemy. When we talk to family and friends, we often blame our spouse for everything that has happened.
Your spouse is a prisoner! Visualize an enemy coming into your home and taking your spouse as a hostage. While your spouse is a hostage, the enemy brainwashes your mate and has him or her do things that are so unlike that person you married. He does not even care about the children or family which once were so important!
For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6:12
Believe in the Lord God you serve. If you had been brainwashed or deceived, would you not want your spouse or family praying and interceding in your behalf? Why can we not wait? Is it our own selfishness? Is it truly our lack of faith in whom we believe?
With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God. Mark 10:27
HE CAME TO SET THE CAPTIVES FREE
This is something else that I was told. Yes, your storm will end. Leaving behind the calm presence of the Holy Spirit. Don't give up before your storm passes by.
Don't try to figure out what you are going to say to your husband and when. Let the Lord be your lead. He is not running from you or your son. He is trying to run from himself. You have no idea what is happening on the inside of him or what he is going through personally.
All you know is what you are feeling and what he has done to you guys. That is all that you can see at this time as well. I have no idea why he up and ran like he did, but something scared him and it was something big. There is no way to know what he is feeling or thinking at this time and there is no way to know what he is doing with his life until he decides to share it. I think that is the most frustrating part because you don't understand where it came from.
I would not want to be in your husband's shoes for anything because there is something awful going on inside of him. He may not show it to you, but there is something there and it is big.
This is great info. I do, finally, believe that my H is in pain, and that there is nothing I can do for him right now. H has never shared his feelings with me on anything. When he told me that I had hurt him the last few years, he never came out and told me how I had hurt him. I didn't know I had hurt him as deeply as he claimed as he always acted untouchable, like he didn't care. He hid his pain well.
I've been reading TMAK2, KIMT and some of YOUR old threads and am finding a wealth of info on depression and the withdrawl stages. These threads go back to 2000!
I don't know why my H ran. Right after I heard the remote hit the wall I grabbed S and got out of the house. I didn't want S to be witness to this anymore and so we left. I wonder if we hadn't left if H wouldn't have run off, but then again I don't know that either.
I DON'T want it be my fault. I feel stronger than I ever have and know I can do whatever is necessary to help myself and to be strong in front of H. I have to now, I can no longer bear the pain. In my eyes the way to stop my pain is to not let H abuse me, blame me, make be the bad guy. I will pray for H, but I also will not let H control me with his anger to shut me up. I will NOT let it happen because I no longer can bear the pain. (I hope that makes sense).
Yes something big is happening with my H. I can feel it, also. At this point nothing will surprise me, but I know I will be okay. When he left this time it wasn't like the other times. I don't know how to exactly explain it, but when he left the first time it was the most awful thing I could imagine happening. This time there really wasn't too much pain, and I'm okay. I'm really, truly okay. God must have given me this strength. If God can come through for ME, than he can come through for anyone. HE made me a believer and he gave me my strength, my sense of self back and HE gave me peace.
Quote: With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God. Mark 10:27
lol. I can't even joke with him anymore, his sense of humor is gone, too.