FINALLY SURFACING

[Fartiltre]

What an absolutely amazing week!

Children have been awesome and they have paid me more compliments than ever. D7 has started to say “I love you” and that is not the normal. She is hugging me in public and at school – WOW! She has been through this period were emotional statements in public is “embarrassing” She still wants more time with me and especially just her and me.


New woman is fantastic. We have spent some time and two nights together but due to her schedule (she has S11) and mine being very different we only have every second Monday without children. That makes things a little difficult because I really want to get to know her but meeting children at this stage is a no go – for me and her. We have talked very openly about this and many other matters.

She D’ed 8 years ago and has been single since then. She has been through a lot of hurt and hardship and she wears her scars as I wear mine. She seems to be in touch with them and she is working on herself all the time. She started working herself seriously about a year ago. She sees T, she reads and she GALs. She seems to be a great mother and her R to the father is OK.

One part (and the biggest part) of me just wants to rush into this new exciting R. I am so intrigued with new woman. She certainly has it all and she is filling my tanks to the top and above these days. At the same time I am so afraid that this is just a reaction because of the lack of intimacy I have experienced. I fear that I am about to start something that I shouldn’t but then again I also fear throwing away something good and beautiful.

Another part wants to run away and stay single. I was starting to get the hang of this, I felt good and I felt free. W was very often in my head but I was doing all right. At the same time I want to share life with a woman and this one seemingly has it all.

Final part still thinks of W and R with her. This would be the best solution for kids, W and me but only if W and I would be able to REALLY sort things out. It is one humongous IF! I do not know W anymore but I am not especially impressed with what I see. It doesn’t seem like she is looking inwards and until that happens no R can happen. At the moment I have only little doubts towards this: If W knocked on my door tomorrow and asked to talk about R – I would send her home! I can’t see myself living with her right now.
On the other hand I know nothing. “Believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see” still goes!


Looking back at the past two weeks seems absolutely crazy. I have been working on me for so long and I have felt it as nothing happened and suddenly life just explodes right in my face. I see things around me so clearly when I take my time to journal, talk to shrink or just sit alone with a cup of tea but when I enters the world everything seems to have changed in two weeks. I trust the issue here is – once again – that I didn’t recognize the changes when they happened. They sneaked in on me. Friends, shrink and others see them clearer because they don’t follow me as I do. It’s like the story of the boiling frog.

LTH, Sandi2 and my shrink has asked me several times if I really wants to R with W. I have felt no uncertainty at all when answering yes to this Q – maybe the people around me sees me clearer than I do. Maybe my doubts, my lack of confidence, my low self-esteem and self-worth, my focus on change and all of this have made me blind to where I actually am and maybe – just maybe – that place of feeling good is actually where I have been for a long time and this new woman just made me realize this.

Case is that I feel privileged living my life these days This doesn’t change my view on D and the children but it certainly changes my view on me!

No, I did not mean any irony. I was just shocked to see how quickly things moved. I am not judging. I just want you to be happy. (And not forget to use protection if you don't want to increase the size of your family. Honestly, I don't know how you could afford all the birthday parties!).

Thanks for clarifying – and thanks Sandi; I would never ever have found this place if you hadn’t helped and pushed me! You will forever be in the back of my mind and in my prayers.
Things have moved so extremely fast and it has taken me completely by surprice - I would never have guessed on this development - ever!
I would very much like your opinion on this.
Is this normal? Is it normal that suddenly LBHs feels like being through?
What should be my next concern?

Well maybe meeting new women will help you know if you really want to reconcile with W or not. You should not feel that you have to "settle", but rather, have the "best". You have had a tough 20 months and have done a ton of work on yourself. Enjoy life, stay smart and make good decisions.
I didn't intend for that to sound like a goodbye.

You won’t get rid of me that easily Journaling in here helps me a lot and hopefully at some point I feel I have the knowledge to pay some of this forward to others.
I certainly do not want to settle – I want the best of the best and I feel I deserve it New woman is fantastic but it is still so new and untested that to be honest it can all fall apart tomorrow.
Time and patience, right