Bond and Starsky, you guys have been here for a long time. You've helped hundreds if not thousands of people. Am I dead in the water? Is there still hope this marriage could be salvaged?
M 16 T 17 W moved in w/ AP (OW) 5/14 ILYBNIL 5/14 A discovered 6/14 D papers served via USPS 8/14 Filed my response 9/14 D final 5/15...
Yeah, I could use a laugh. This whole situation is awful. I think I messed up pretty bad at first. She left me on May 29, and I begged an pleaded until June 9. I discovered the affair shortly after that. I really haven't handled any part of this process well. Her last message to me was on August 9, and I haven't communicated with her at all since then. I got the D papers at the end of August. She told me I was a "good and faithful husband," so I hope she meant it and that she'll start to remember good things about me now that she's got all the space she wants.
Don't be too hard on yourself, brother. This is not only INCREDIBLY difficult, but it's the type of thing that hardly ANYONE ever sees coming. Hardest damned thing I've ever done in my life, to date.
Bond and Starsky, you guys have been here for a long time. You've helped hundreds if not thousands of people. Am I dead in the water? Is there still hope this marriage could be salvaged?
There's always hope. You have a lot of shared history together.
We have a whole lot of shared history together. 17 years. And I keep telling people that tell me to move on that yes, she's hurt me more than any other person on the planet, but up until now she's also made me happier than any other person on the planet. I do love her with all my heart. Despite what she says, I know that she loved me at one time, too.
No, I'm not familiar with The Stockdale Paradox. What is that? (I'll be googling it until your reply...)
M 16 T 17 W moved in w/ AP (OW) 5/14 ILYBNIL 5/14 A discovered 6/14 D papers served via USPS 8/14 Filed my response 9/14 D final 5/15...
"You must retain faith that you can prevail to greatness in the end, while retaining the discipline to confront the brutal facts of your current reality."
Admiral James Stockdale was shot down in Viet Nam and imprisoned in the "Hanoi Hilton" for almost eight years. He was also its highest-ranking officer. He writes about his experience in his book, In Love and War. How did he survive while others did not? "Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties." He adds, however, what distinguishes his position from simple "optimism" - and formulates what has become known as the Stockdale Paradox: "and confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be."
This is the critical difference which guards against the endless disappointment that optimism’s carrots' evasiveness create - until, maybe, the reward in the end. On the other hand, an ability to continue making realistic assessments of one's current life situation measures and apportions one’s energies and reserves to better face each challenge as it comes, thus positioning one with a stronger chance to prevail.
Thank you for that. Yes, I'm like the optimistic prisoners that died. I went into a pretty deep depression when my WW's affair reached the one-month mark. Then again at two months. I've been doing a little better since then and did not really panic at the three-month mark.
M 16 T 17 W moved in w/ AP (OW) 5/14 ILYBNIL 5/14 A discovered 6/14 D papers served via USPS 8/14 Filed my response 9/14 D final 5/15...
The two best mindsets I've seen for successful DBing when there's an affair involved, are The Stockdale Paradox . . . and the "You're already dead" scene from Band of Brothers.
Both very powerful if you can wrap your brain around their concepts.
And I would add that I recommmend that you stop thinking about this with a certain timetable in mind. There is no timetable. You seem to put a lot of stock in the "most affairs burn out in six months" so "all I have to do is get to six months...."
Throw away the calendar and work on you.
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
This whole situation is awful. I think I messed up pretty bad at first. She left me on May 29, and I begged an pleaded until June 9. I discovered the affair shortly after that. I really haven't handled any part of this process well. Her last message to me was on August 9, and I haven't communicated with her at all since then. I got the D papers at the end of August. She told me I was a "good and faithful husband," so I hope she meant it and that she'll start to remember good things about me now that she's got all the space she wants.