I also am struggling with how to police similar boundaries without snooping- for example W's phone remains locked and with joint finances, she can easily hide in cash or ambiguous charges a good amount of spend if she wishes to, so I couldn't police your type of boundaries (just an example here- I know I have to figure out my own boundries but it's hard for me to understand how to do that with a lying WAW).
I'm a big "trust -- but verify" guy, so you do need to be able to verify. If snooping is killing your ability to detach, or just simply making you crazy, there are some things you can do. You can only look at your intel at some predetermined interval for you . . .say, once per month, or once every-other week. Or, you can enlist the help of a trusted friend or family member who is discreet and you can have THEM monitor your intel, and only inform you of any immediate threats to your family, your finances or your health, and instead just prepare a monthly "executive summary"-type document for you.
There are ways. Snooping is frowned upon because it will make you nuts, and it gets in the way of detaching. But you DO need to have ways to protect yourself and your family.
