All, thanks for trying to whack some sense into me. My emotions have me all over the map. From rereading these posts as well as other threads I realize that I am still making this about her and not about me. I realize she will never love a man she doesn't respect.
So I will get a lawyer. I will figure out what I want my life to look like without her and what I want my future to be like with my kids. I will start planning for D, even though it is not what I want. I will build a new network and GAL, not for her but for me. I will not threaten or give ultimatums, I will simply act. I have already told her "I will not wait forever" and I will not put a limit time limit on that (externally to her) but I will impose a short one (2 months max) on myself so that I don't become a doormat who supports here cake eating. I will figure out how to be somehow upbeat and a strong person while clearly not condoning or supporting her #%^*. I will lay down strong boundaries and will act if they are violated. I will take a few days and THINK about what I want rather than throwing all the crap up on this board as I've been doing for the last week.
Theoden, thanks four your comments- sometimes I need to hear the same thing in a different voice to help me get it, and your participation is really helping.
Zew, thanks for the pointer to your sitch- I had been reading your active thread, but am now going back and reading your older posts and they are extremely helpful, especially the comments on tough love, attraction, and the true purpose of the rules.
Starsky, . . . One question- you laid down clear boundaries of no txting OM in the home or using marital assets to support the A. What would you have done if they were violated? File? Go dark?I understand that boundaries are useless until you are prepared to act, I just have to figure out my own internal "or else."
Yep -- definitely. Otherwise, they're not really "boundaries" but are really just "geeIwishyouwouldn't's."
Ultimately, I filed for divorce, but that was more because of her continuing to refuse to end her affair, and lying about it to even her own parents and our adult daughters (as well as to me). That (filing) would not have been the "or else" that I would have attached to the "no texting OM in front of our kids," or "no calling OM from inside our marital home" or "no squandering family's funds on your affair." My consequence for the finances was to set up my paycheck as a direct deposit into a new account that only I had access to, from which I transferred a reasonable amount each payday to our joint account that we both could use on shared family expenses. I cut off her cellphone (she went and got her own), and I stopped paying for her lingerie, her hair coloring, her tummy tuck (Visa payments) or anything else she was using to make herself appear younger for her younger OM or to in any way conduct her affair.
The consequence for her coming home after 1am one morning (after I'd warned her about this boundary) was to have all the lights off in the house and the yard, and the home security system armed.
The consequence for the "no texting/calling OM from our home"? had she violated it? Not sure, but funny thing how those cellphones don't really work very well without the SIM cards.
It all comes down to being taken seriously, and learning how to lay out and enforce boundaries. If you were never good at it (like I wasn't), it will take awhile before she will take you seriously.
I'll see if that old thread by Coach is still around here about "Boundaries" -- it was exceptional.
