Yes H his depressed. But he wouldn’t admit it, I can tell by his voice when I talk to him on the phone or while he was here he wouldn’t talk and just wanted to be left alone. He’s been drinking a lot more lately, he doesn’t seem to care too much about his appearance, but then he works construction so he doesn’t usually dress up to often.
I have been taking care of myself and my son. Right now I don’t really have any feelings for H I can’t feel anything, I do feel sorry for him, but I can’t help him and it’s just so darn hard to watch the show sometimes.
I feel fine, I was a little edgy today, my nerves were still a little raw. I’m a little down tonight because I don’t want to deal with H anymore. I can feel myself settling down after the affairs of this weekend. I won’t try to analyze my H, I just don’t have the energy. He’s insane, something is terribly wrong with H—yes I know MLC.
I do have to take care of myself. I cannot take the anger, the abuse any longer. I cannot let my S take it either, I have to protect my S from this madness. I cannot let my H treat me like crapp anymore. No I’m not going to get angry, I’m going to walk away or ask H to leave..which will make him even madder.
I’d really like a break from my H. I’m not going to call him, I’m going to discourage him from coming to see S for awhile. There’s nobody in my 3D life that I want to talk with this about either. Nobody would understand. I just feel kind of alone, maybe that’s the word, to deal with this.
But, that’s okay, I just need some distractions some fun. I’m also PMS so that might be part of my moodiness/edginess.
H was here today, his mail is gone and that’s all. I must have just missed him, I know it takes a good 45 minutes for H to get here from his job and I usually am home about 15 minutes after he gets here. So he snuck away again.
I’m at a loss as to what I should say to H about him leaving again. Do I say anything? Do I ask H for an explanation? It’s going to be my fault no matter what. Do I just ignore it ever happened. I don’t feel like having any conversations with H, I don’t know if I can act happy when he does show up, I can be at peace with myself.
I guess I’ll just have to wait for the confrontation.
Hugs all who helped me through this most difficult time. I wish I could put a finger on the way I’m feeling about this whole thing now…detached like I’ve never been before might be appropriate. Maybe it’s that I don’t feel emotionally attached to H anymore, I don’t feel a part of his drama. I’m off the rollercoaster and that is a good feeling.
