Feeling stronger than ever

[mleigh4]

Matt - thank you so much for your response and time. Every week I pump myself up to get ready for a horrible weekend of worrying and I promise myself I will not react and then I do. I will really try your technique and way of thinking this weekend. But at what point are we standing for our marriage vs being a total doormat? How can I respect myself when I allow myself and S to be treated with such disrespect?

In response to whether or not to start mediation, I am so confused on what to do. Things will go well at home, I start believing there is hope, then I get slammed in the stomach with reality and it just hits me all over again. I think honestly I can say that I would be ok with H out of my life. This last year has made me look at him so differently and has brought to my attention all the issues he has that I had no idea I was getting involved with. I really am not sure that with all the damage I can ever really love and trust this man again. My biggest fear in getting a divorce? Is having to share custody with my son. Having to deal with not having him every morning and every night. Making him leave me to spend time with his dad when he doesn't want to. The man can't form a connection with anyone, not even his own son. So that is the struggle I face. Between my therapist and attorney I hope to get some clarity on that.

Back to my H. His father approached me last week about my H growing up in a passive agressive home and to look up information on that. Boy does it explain a lot! The lack of empathy, the inability to emotionally connect, the not being able to make decisions, procrastination, keeping feelings in, emotional abuse... So much fits. So now I wonder, is this MLC or is my H a passive agressive man?