Wife having emotional affair part 2

[PatientMan]

Right now it appears that your W has full control and you are along for the ride. It is a good time to point out/remind you that it is neither healthy nor desirable to be in a relationship where you have given up complete control. It should also be pointed out that it is neither healthy nor desirable to be in a relationship where you HAVE complete control...that isn't how healthy, lasting relationships work.

I'm sure you would agree with that, but there also might be a little voice inside your head saying that this is a special circumstance, and is only temporary, and because it affects your entire family for the rest of your LIFE, it is a temporarily ALLOWABLE special circumstance. This is the voice you need to quiet down/ignore (if you can't shut it up yet).

Now, what you are being told to do - in different terms - is to take back some control. Bear in mind, this isn't a battle for control and shouldn't be seen as such, it's just that control is a natural commodity the WAS attempts to seize in order to keep as many options open as is possible. In short, they are in a state of disarray, have very little idea of what they want in the short or long term, and are aware that their feelings are unreliable. Thus, keeping options open until a later time when they expect to have a better idea of what they TRULY want makes sense to them. (It is also of note, but not exposition at this time, that there are points in time when the WAS' feelings are very strong, and he or she will attempt to move as quickly as possible in one direction or another while these feelings are strong because - again - he or she KNOWS that strong feeling won't last. But that is just something that may pop up - some seemingly odd behavior that is common and can be hurtful if unanticipated.)

You are being told to GAL, to assess your marriage and yourself, to own the problems you caused, to change the things about you that you don't like, and to keep the things about you that you DO like, to keep the road paved home smooth, to not have any expectations. You are being told to be a little mysterious, to be a little unavailable, to not be a doormat, to be a spouse only a fool would leave.

This is A LOT to think about and try to manage. BUT, this is all part of the process to becoming a stronger, healthier version of yourself - WITH OR WITHOUT YOUR SPOUSE. Yes, even if you reconcile with your spouse, going through this process will benefit the both of you, so buckle your seat belt and get ready to do the work. Because that's what DB'ing is about: work. Work and pain and patience and perseverance...and if you are willing to suffer through all of that for much longer than you can imagine, you may...MAY be successful at restoring your marriage. But you will have, at least, restored yourSELF in the process, and a healthy YOU is what's best...in or out of any relationship. The best version of YOU is going to be the most attractive, most successful, most loving father, most ideal person you can possibly become. That's who you want to be; all the rest will follow.

As you begin to work on you, to focus on you instead of your WAW, she will sense losing control of you and may very well do whatever is necessary to get it back. After all, she wants to keep her options open and you have a history of showing you are willing to wait it out. So she may cry to you, she may become very angry at you, she may react in a manner just to upset you/get back at you (e.g. seemingly move emotionally closer to OM), she may seemingly move emotionally closer to YOU...whatever it takes to keep you as an option. Again, these are likely just ploys to get that precious commodity of control back.

Enough ranting by me for now. Did you finish the book yet?

-PM