mlc rut

[pbetra]

Hey pbetra!
Not a lot to add, just want to say to be careful and tread carefully. Your H is still all over the map. The phone conversation about maybe getting his own apt. comes to mind. Don't allow his "need" for you financially and his actions to secure that, give you hope he is "coming out of it". One of the things my W said to me was that one of the "reasons" she was leaving was because now that she was back working full time she felt she "could" do it. Never mind all the years that I stuck by her as the only one working.

Hi Matt,
nice to see you over at this 'neck of the woods'! Your support is invaluable! This forum & posters like yourself are my only safe lifeline now. You understand, so it's always nice to 'see' you here, regardless of what you 'add' (all matter, ALL add up! So thx! ...)

Years, computer data
You mention all "the years you stuck by W"/LBS support, pre MLC. Sadly, I realize that 'all those years' don't matter. All those years are like data re: the lives we had. MLC is like the computer virus, wiping out so much of that data! Line by line of code & data, recording an account of our year by year lives with S. All wiped away by the MLC virus destroying R. If I think of it too much of it, the sadness returns so I don't - most times I manage. Other times? ... well that's the life of the LBS! My helper is here today so I may go on my walk after preparing meals (parent meal is low salt, 'low everything' of course. Growing body of child is opposite ...

apt, $
Re: apt - I know, agree with you. The fact is I can't afford much anyway - I can 'just about do' basic needs - food, shelter, a phone for emergencies. Since I was 'discarded' for the others, it is for h to turn to them, the ones he chose over me. Let THEM walk the talk. (already heard $ woes the last few hours).

Trust, the fine lines
I am struggling with trust so this won't be an effort for me Matt. H is good at acting (caught him one day & in an sec. the expression changed!) There are moments when sadness must affect them and when they may be genuine (I use that loosely - as much as can be expected given this strange 'condition' For me, there is such fine line between figuring out mlcer as it relates to 'LBS approach', and then trying to know what to do next re sitch, with whatever, if 'figured' out.

My challenge is the balancing act. You see, with your wife, the duration of your M & what is currently taking place with your Ds, I think is clear that W cannot be trusted, at this time in her MLC experience. Her trigger/FIL is around. And he's a biggie (!!), we're talking massive, where psyche is concerned. A parent!!

For me, I am not trusting h sitch AT ALL. However, I still have to keep observant (somehow) to the 'little nuances' of other behaviours - these may indicate baby steps. My lack of trust is obliterating some areas of my vision. I am not 'seeing,' not getting the panorama view with ALL the 'content' ... This can impact of solutions as you can imagine. This is the difference between 'dad for c, or no dad.'

btw Just heard about his financial hardship again ... h has backed off re sexual advances today, as he realizes it's a 'no go'(also VERY sensitive to 'rejection'). However, h is in good mood & is very nice to me. Seems to be trying - 'seems (there's that 'illusion word'!) I was updated re another job (have to give him As for trying) Anyway, h is all pumped up after meeting w/friend of many years. If that works out, it is highly likely that there will be 1 of 2 scenarios.

• I will be 'history' b/c like your w, he "could" do what he wishes. If this trigger/employment expresses itself in making him secure, then he could be 'off & running', armed with cash to LIVE LIFE!
  
  (h mentioned having to stay a little late in superm. b/c of the lines - that's "time that I will never have again." This is insight into thinking - subtle urgency re losing TIME! It's no wonder we're 'history' unless needed, useful or convenient - like BF re her h mail/likes convience)

• The other scenario is that he may stay (& this one WILL shock me) ... although will stay on fence. Keeping fam AND looking for opp./OW as he has been doing. H hasn't 'self medicated' long enough to fill his void. Many urges still need to be expressed. The only reason why I (remotely) entertain this scenario is that $$/employment is his big trigger. He's gone through too much, for too long & has fam issues re: $$ (as I wrote in earlier post). Whenever I noted changes in mood, it was job related. I did not recognize at the times before (twice before). Each time was worse. This, the 3rd time where job stress arose was the final straw I guess. MLC resulted (from reoccuring job issues coupled with milestone birthday & illness/relative). However, I saw behavioural similarites which I did not recognize in the past. On reflection, the mood changes & some distance were similar, but the differences related to greater intensity with each occurance, until this.

Sex was very important connectionbut I have changed that - so in a sense, I may have damaged the potential for a better outcome, with such a 'harsh' boundary.

When you say you feel he may be being more interested in being intimate because he thinks this will make you feel better and "placate" you, I would listen to this feeling.

h 'strats'
Ok, I will. H is also judging me based on his family values (even the women). 'love' really means sex. Maybe this is why he got so affected recently. I will eventually become placated with authenticity - sex is meaningless for me right now (feeling like robot with a on/off switch when summoned).

H has asked me to join him re job prospect out of city (I guess for the drive as we used to go on drives, or maybe for the company). I am thinking about it ...

Take care Matt, thx again for input. pb