Trying to stay patient- part 5

[Train]

Danggggg, Tar. W's message just spiked my blood pressure a little.

I will be looking forward to Starsky's advice on this.

Meanwhile, I think Elsa has a great point about pulling MC off the table right now. I think it would be too reactive of you. I also like the response Drew pitched; that would be advocating a STFU and KISS stance, pretty much ignoring all the other garbage she threw out there.

She is REALLY stringing you along, isn't she? What arrogance!

I also really found JCred's response from the other day insightful (somehow I missed it then), and it raises a great question:

I believe you made the mistake of agreeing to MC while at the same time "insisting" on a NC letter and a host of other requirements.

On the one hand you are trying to come across as "strong" by insisting on NC and you won't share, while on the other hand, agreeing to MC.

Those two things would need to go hand in hand to really show her that you mean business. It would have been far better to tell her no counseling, no nothing UNTIL you have written the NC letter and such....

Then AFTER that is complete, you go to counseling....
Agreeing to and attending counseling is the same thing as saying you WILL share her.

This is what this whole thing is sounding like to me. Imagine how it sounds to her. No wonder you are confused.

" WS, I insist on NC or it's over between us, however, let's go to counseling to see if we can save this marriage while I wait to see if I can force you to write the NC letter and a host of other demands so that I can feel secure. Please don't call this controlling because I know I can't force you to do anything. Do you want to go to that wedding I mentioned a month or so back? What about a date on Saturday, do you want to go to dinner?

Oh, and one other thing, did you write that NC letter today that you promised? What about all of your passwords? Did you throw away all letters from OM and gifts yet? Please don't take this as pressure or me being controlling. If you don't write that NC letter today, then how about tomorrow, or should I wait until the next MC session?"

How are you telling W that you won't live in an open M or share her ... but also going to MC to work on the M before she has committed to transparency and giving OM the boot off her social-media accounts? At this point, while W is being such a brat, I don't know that MC is going to do you any good; in fact, it could HURT matters.

Still, I wouldn't yank it off the table now because it'd be just too dang reactive and, yes, would provide her with justification.

I'd still go with what was discussed earlier. Deliver your non-negotiables in front of MC. Stick to them. You could even tell W in front of MC that you're not willing to make further appointments until W agrees to transparency and NC. (But as for responding to her most recent message, maybe punt her a response like Drew pitched, ignoring her spew altogether.)

Then again, this is a bit of a tricky situation for me to figure out - boundaries, strength, etc. and MC when W hasn't committed - so I'm definitely anxious to see the responses from others.

Starsky? Where art thou?