Ok ... so I am still fighting whatever it is I have going on. W seems to be engaging more via text, asking how my day was, how I'm feeling. Telling me about her interview and the possible new job. Then asked to talk to S before her therapy appt .... late, like 7:00 pm .. not sure if she really is going or not, I asked this morning how it went and she got firm and said she didn't want to talk about it ... so either she is lying or she might just be starting to dig into some issues ... either way I wasn't really moved so maybe my detach is finally removing me emotionally from all that.
Its strange, I have been listening to my sermons as I have been for the past year or so, and strangely they really seem to talk to me. The one said that biblically one has a choice to divorce only if adultery was committed, showing just how damaging that could be ... he said you have 2 choices, divorce , or forgive. Then a thought jumped into my head ..... can you forgive someone for something like that when they don't even show remorse??
I think she is about to enter that tunnel where she has to come to terms with the damage she caused, I have been questioning as of late ... Do I want this? can we be better and move on or will this always be an issue? Can I really let it go ?... especially with the hurtful things she said during the psycho phase... I am the one who needs to come to terms with these things, and as bad as it is ... there is that part of me that wants her to hurt a bit .. I know its wrong ... and maybe its just a bout of anger/frustration where she gets to do as she wants and its everyone else around her who pays for her selfishness.
Maybe its the realization that my birthday is in a week, and marks the 1 year point of where is was apparent things were wrong, the card she gave me did not have the ILY, we went out but she was just going through the motions, all the pictures were of her on her phone ... looking back that stings. Also ... its a reminder that I am not getting any younger. Flip side, without this I would not have been drawn closer to God, I would not have been driven to GAL and start enjoying things I wanted to enjoy, the Harley, sports, appreciating what I have, and in a sense finding me and giving myself some goals and direction.
ok ok ... end rant
So ... I have been a touch dark, not so much our of spite, just due to the fact I am not feeling well and honestly just not in the mood to talk/TM. I dropped of S this morning, she asked me how I was feeling, I told her better but still dealing with it. I realized I forgot to do S's hair and he had spilled yogurt on his school shirt so I told her he needed to change and I would do his hair ... this type of thing would typically set her off ... but lately she seems to not be as angry with me, she told me it was ok but I insisted on making sure everything was all taken care of. After I asked her if she could take him tonight ... earlier I had told her I was open to watching him Sun Mon & Thurs .. but could take Tue if needed .... I forgot I scheduled classes with the Church months ago and tonight it starts. She might have a 2nd interview ... So I calmly told her I could watch him if need be but would really like to go to these classes (GAL and 180 for me ... She is catholic, as is our S ... he attends a catholic school so a few months ago I figured ... I go to catholic mass every week and feel comfortable .. I might as well become catholic)
