Just checkin in. Still alive out here - after a month+ together with h in fla & nj. It felt (mostly) nice and like old times somewhat. he is, in life more calm & pleasant & bit more affectionate than past five years (BUT) ow still apparently "there" and it still icks me out..
honestly- i wonder now if it IS mlc (tho he did match up with every single thing mwd described) or if he's a cheating lying rat of a person that i just trusted & loved (too much). i always thought there could not be such a thing as "love too much". could i have been wrong about that & everything forever?
one wonders... it was a nice way to think for 60 years. i am loath to let go of it really. feeling more and more unable to find that other woman i was. fighting negativity - am going with the lesser awful alternative right now - "not caring" about mostly everything. i'm working on brainwashing self- if i say i do not care enough - hopefully i will achieve it. most things= i really don't. is it progress? hope so..... compared to dying any time - it all is so much junk isn't it? the stuff i worry about ...aside from "love" (magical love) - i have most of what i need in life rite now- i'm grateful for that. so I am on cruise - see what future presents.
I am more chilled & "normal"-ish than i have been in years. I think brain and "caring" still in suspension - mom dying, last five years of he!!, family nuts&hostile, etc.
it's okay tho- i hope i am getting used to the idea of whatever is the next big challenge here- getting thru the estate - and then, next thing on my plate(whatever that will be) while i'm getting on with my life in whatever way it's gonna shape up.
mayube it's helpful to me- to have one "project" at a time thing goin on. first it was just not spontaneously dying of grief. i cannot begin to explain the depth & breadth.
then getting me and her thru mom's health, memory problems and last couple lyears of life. long long years - sad sad end. but end it did - as we all must i guess. i'm trying to get philosophical about death. (alot around in last five years).
it does make ya realize it could all be over tomorrow- make today as good as you can - if possible. so i'm workin on that and am likely to keep t his philosophy forever i believe.
Now, oversee mom's estate - disgruntled sisters - hostility leaking out of their eyeballs. who are these people???? i'm appalled by the un-gratitude of these women who are my sisters. I thought we all were a family and loved each other. i am/was wrong as can be. honestly. most appaling polly anna.
it's a major battle to not see everyone alive as criminally self-centered . major battle also to not say it to them - and burn every bridge in sight. I know i need to have connection and "family" (whatever that is) it's kind of meaningless to me at the moment- but i still cling to the hope it means something and in the end there is some pack i belong to. idk tho
then - what??? figure out for good whether to "keep" or "dispose of" my life as it is (was) ??? I feel pleasantly numb (well, not in pain) - and unable & unwilling to decide one darn thing. i don't know any answers here. I don't know one darn thing. except that maybe money really is the root of all evil. what it can inspire in people.
so i'm on cruise (as usual) - signed up to substitute teach again, joined a gym and go in every day, still walk for an hour every day- am on lookout for a couple clubs or something social to go get out even more. I had a great weekend, laughed alot, busy as heck - either perking up in life or shell shock- i'll take it. , i am not sure if i'm still "dbing" as in there's any real hope that this r - whatever it was or is - is supposed to be in my life.
When i began dbing - i was certain he loved me but was too stupid to know. now, idk. maybe he's a person who does not know what it is, how to express it, only room in his heart for himself. as far as a partner - anyone will do that fits bill & accomodates his needs. a very very grim outlook for me- of hinm. But maybe i always saw too much good where there wasn't much - or something like that. can't even judge him - (or me)
Only God knows that one.
I am a woman with an addiction to this guy and what i thought my life was i think. it is an unthinking "need" (my "pack" ) he's all i seem to have at the moment. don't know where it goes or ends - i sure can relate to quitting smoking, or drinking, losing 200 lb, whatever. seems insurmountable - but could be "hurting" you, so need to address it some day. i'm still telling myself i can always walk out tomorrow.
I am truly either a miracle of self-control and fortitude - or a dope. who the heck knows til the "end". mwd sure is right when she said however long it takes (and it could take a long long time) it seems alot longer by far. today- i'd say a million years.
I haven't talked to him in three days-. it's a long long time for us - i wonder why bother to even share my life with someone like him? given this sitch - of his creation - why would he call (i didn't pick up sun.) and why would i talk?
i just have nothing to say to him - so i'm stfu-ing. I can't figure what else to do.
but i'm lots better in every way , i feel - so i guess it's not "bad" . anyone's call.
(do ya ever really really "get over" a broken heart? i know it recedes - does it ever go away- do ya forget? totally? REALLY? THAT IS, if you don't find a perfectly wonderful love to replace it?
i'm outta here. lots to do - as usual I think i'm going to accomplish everything in the world in this day. ta da...
wish me luck and that i find whatever it is i need here... wisdom,? love?, peace of mind (a bit more of that please),
xxo - thanks to all you guys that have been my "lifeline" for so long- . i'm still "workin on it" . on well fall down 23, get up 24
