Keeping it real

[Zues126]

(Long post, that kind of week) 25, thank you for following this thread. It's nice to get feedback but with you I feel like you're really rooting me on.

You're right about how I handled myself in the M. I've been peeling back that onion. My M was so bad in so many ways. Neither my W nor I had a high self worth and we both counted on the other to make us happy. It didn't work. For her, she has issues being herself. She is a pleaser and was all about being a good mom, getting my approval, or the approval of the world. To me it felt like she had no personality. It seemed like she was a shell. We didn't have great conversation, our 'dates' were dinner and a movie and boring sex. We loved each other and there was passion at times, but not much intimacy.

I grew very restless. I felt like I was in a shell of a marriage. I started doing more and more on my own to entertain myself. Winning pool tournaments, killing it at work. In turn she devoted herself to the kids and became very controlling with them, getting her needs met by their dependence, and shutting me out from the family as she needed to be the one that was needed for everything (the 'I don't deserve love so ill settle for being needed and get to be the noble martyr). I began to feel very neglected and resented that she didn't make me as much of a priority as she made the kids. Remember, 3 kids and a miscarriage in 10 years meant she was pregnant/nursing much o the time. We never dated as she was pregnant right away so we never for to take trips or have fun together. And with our disconnect even if we had the time it wouldn't have been that fulfilling for either of us.

I never understood what she needed. Maybe she was so passive she never td me, maybe it seemed so alien to me I never understood, maybe she was afraid of me, maybe she didn't know herself. But I felt alone in my marriage, and somehow I concluded that if I was going to remain faithful and committed to this person who I felt stuck with, she should do everything she could to make it bearable. In my mind that became sexually among other things.

I say peeling back the onion because my DB coach says that my sexual demands were an attempt to fulfill other real needs that weren't being met, such as feeling desirable, important, and admired. But I also know that it was the lack of love I had for myself that I was trying to compensate for by having her 'prove' her love to me.

Now, tonight I am trying to pick up my broken pieces. It's hard to love myself when I haven't for years. I dot know if I do or not. I ran from emotions for 22 years and just played pool. How much of my feeling bad is normal for being human? How much is normal for my situation? And how much is due to my need for self acceptance? For an emotional infant it's a lot to figure out.

So sexually I believe that I can do two things. First, learn to meet my own needs that I can meet such as self love and approval, then make sure I have the tools to have a better R next time around as far as meeting basic and reasonable R needs. Beyond that I still have to figure this out. That's why I'm going to the 'exploring healthy sexual boundaries' meeting. I feel the need to be loved by a woman and that is how I have always felt loved, so the notion that a woman I'm with doesn't have to be sexual if she doesn't choose to is confusing to me. I mean, it seems so obvious when I type it, like no one should be forced to have sex against their will. But I know I have to grow more and I'm discouraged that it comes so hard.

It feels so unfair. Like I have this need only my W can meet and it is so power it pretty much drives all I do. I felt like she never understood how important it was to me. All I did in my R was try to love her and provide for her so I'd meet her approval and hope she would love me the way I needed in return. Now I see that's not love, that's like buying dinner for a woman and expecting to go home with her on a grander scale. But my mind tells me 'but then how do I get what I want?!?' Make no mistake, I don just want sex, I'd love a woman I can explore the world with, partner on life with, read poems together, text throughout the day, do nice things for, etc. but since you asked about the issue ill agree I need more help and that I caused some rifts that may be insurmountable.

So again, layer one is health sexual boundaries which I'm working on. Layer two is a better R in which baser needs are met. And level three is getting better on my own so I'm not counting on an R to make me feel better. I know GAL is part of that and am taking small step (spending more time with friends, trying this meeting) but will give thought to some more. Trying to picture being content on my own without a woman that loves me and expresses that to me physically is harder. I'm reading, journaling, praying, meditating, starting these meetings, and talking about it with my IC and DB coach as well as my support network. I want to change and just can't see the road in front of me and am horrified with the pain I've inflicted and the consequences it's caused to me and my entire family. Yes, my W could've written that post. Life has been no picnic for me either. I've had enough and am ready to do whatever I can. So thank you for caring and ill keep you posted on what I learn in these regards.