I do have a coach and she's awesome. I was trying to space out my sessions to get insight when I'm super stumped but there's no harm in a check in session, right?
I FEEL so different, like I could never be the women he dropped the bomb on 2.5 months ago. BUUUUT, we all know that's not true. It just doesn't work that way, right?
I haven't felt like this in years. Seriously. I am much more positive, light hearted, kind for no reason and fun loving. When you make changes for the better, you just want to share them with people you love so I'm feeling antsy but I realize it's a good problem to have and I'm sitting back and trying to chill.
This separation has REALLY cleared a fog out of my head and my heart. I see how reactive I always was and how reactive he always was. Knowing that can bring about change but when faced with what feels like an attack, I can only HOPE that I'd do what I'm learning to do which is to take the time to step away, analyze what I need to say in a kind way and work towards a solution to the problem at hand.
We never SOLVED our freaking problems. It was like they were unsolvable so we stopped trying completely. We'd apologize but it was more of an apology for our behavior during the fight, not anything else. THIS WILL CHANGE but since we're not fighting (YAY!), it's hard to practice that.
So I'm guessing (if I were a vet, what would I tell myself?) that right now is a time to breathe in the good that is happening. I don't want to be all up in his face with family time but I did invite him to a "friendly outing" in October where D has an event/party thing that goes until midnight. I'd hate to waste that and sit at home alone on the couch.
He accepted the invitation but reluctantly. I think he thought I was asking him on a date, with expectations of romantic expressions. I reassured him (even though it hurt that he physically recoiled) that it was just a fun night out. I know he's not ready for anything else right now and frankly, I'm not sure I am either.
Positivity. I'm basking in it.
BTW, H was over briefly this evening and he told me I smell great. That's a big deal because he is clearly trying hard not to compliment me, I think more as a self preservation thing. I'm not taking it personally but it's good to know he likes my new perfume.
