I'll take MLC for $1000, Alex...

[wishing, hoping]

Thank you Wonka and AJ.

I wish it didn't make me so upset. I don't know if it's sadness or anger at this point. I'm kind of flucuating between those two emotions. I guess it is part of the process.

Why marriage? Why does he feel the need to marry this woman? I fear once the deed is done she will try to take over my kids' lives. Maybe not. She isn't heavily invested in her own kids so maybe she won't be super involved with mine. Maybe she is not the type to do a lot of heavy lifting in relationships and will do even less once she knows she "owns" him.

It should not be my concern. What he does is none of my business. I have no doubt this will be more of a marriage of convenience for both of them. They both love to put on a good show. But I'm not buying the act. It's all about smoke and mirrors.

And I'll be honest, I'm getting dam tired of being the better person in this situation. Part of me wants to go all Carrie Underwood on his @$$ but the calm and rational part of me knows better. But I think some Louisville Slugger therapy would feel dam good. Even if it is three years too late.

A lot of frustration and pent up anger is inside me. I think maybe some good physical activity would help. I have always wanted to throw china plates at a brick wall or something of the sort. Yes slight anger issues, but I think it would be a great release for me. Maybe it's just what I need.

Maybe a letter that I never send, only burn. Maybe I need a ritual where I can "bury" the past and then after that, no more. My mom told me I need to move on because she thinks J is under the impression that I am just waiting in the wings for him to come back. She told me to let him know you're done and not waiting for him. You're living your life finally and he's not controlling you. She's right.

I know the kids need their dad but he's such a loon. I wish I could scoop them up away from crazy town. But maybe there's a lesson to be learned for them.

And AJ it's good to know I'm not the only one whose ex made an immediate beeline for the alter shortly after the D was final. I think it's sick. Disturbed. What does that really say about a person?

I'm healing. Just takes some baby steps is all.

WH