I'm gonna get there. I'm so close, I can SMELL IT!!!! Bring on the bacon, baby.
H is all moved into his apartment. House closing is on Friday now. That's all I have to say about thaaayyattt. <<< (Forrest Gump voice).
I had a few good cries today. None of them were about H. Hmmmmm. But I released some other chit and now I'm feeling kinda silly. I apologize in advance. And yep, I'm this weird without any alcohol or any other influence of any kind. Sadly. (Ok, Sprite Zero.)
I spent a big chunk of today on me. Did some reading, and some digging. Ok, don't be shocked anyone....but.... It turns out I have some issues. I know, I know..... I hide them well. AND.....lemme just say, this isn't fun. Not even a little. I made some columns on paper, and wrote words and stuff.
So, I have always made this joke that I'm really just a nerd in a cheerleader costume. It describes me quite accurately. Another "costume" I can wear is confidence. I could usually hide behind my work, or a rockin' cute outfit, some sassy shoes and a big smile.... But inside? Yyyeeeaaahhhh....... I'm pretty hard on myself.
I can't believe no one here picked up on that.....sheesh. (That observation may be in a previous thread, or four....)
uR, I can imagine the face you just made...
Well, I think I lost that costume. I left it at the last performance or something. I am rarely confident anymore, and it scares me because I can't find it when I need it now. Like at the concession booth the other night... It was an out-of-body feeling. I just stood there, as if I didn't know how to put nacho chips in a tray. Too shy to step in. I seriously needed an invitation to the stainless steel counter. Who was I? No one I recognize. But I paid attention to the feeling, and the words I was telling myself....ooooh.
I have not been gentle with myself over the years, it turns out. So, now I go into this needy little girl thing....not loud-needy but internally needy, still....ew. And then, to top it off, I can beat myself up about being insecure. Oh, yes, depending on the environment, I can shift my little transactional-analysis self as needed..... But lately, it seems most of my "adult" ego is being stifled by the critical parent, and now my adapted child has taken over everyone else. (Except tonight, I'm all free child )
So, I decided to write down those feeling from the other night, and the words I told myself. I have a self esteem book, and the end of each chapter has an exercise thingy to try. I thought, how bad can this be? So I made 4 columns, and labeled them at the top, 1. Positive. 2. Negative. 3. Feelings. 4. Person.
Then I had to list 5-10 experiences growing up, fill in the appropriate columns, and read it. I looked for patterns, possible ways I see myself, yada, yada...all kinds of stuff...too much to list here, but I'm sure you get my drift. Doesn't seem like it would be hard, does it?
Well, let me tell you. Looking at that paper, thinking back, connecting some things... I got up and left the table a time or two, and RAN away from that list. Like a little kid, lol.... It was as if the paper I wrote on was judging me. <<<< that's me being an uncomfortable lunatic.
I don't have any idea whether this will have anything to do with my M with H. I'm starting to see where it doesn't matter. Going forward, for me, I'm using this so-called "GIFT OF TIME" to the best I can. Cuz I ain't doing this again.
) 
