Keeping it real

[25yearsmlc]

Thank you 25. I'be been a bit unstable lately and I appreciate you helping me get back on track. My sandbox indeed.

I've just been down. Day after day. When I'm doing stuff I am ok but in general I just am feeling a bit bummed. I think the reason I am convinced the R is doomed is partly believing what I hear and see which is easy to do, and partly because limbo isn't easy and I just want to stop hurting. But that's not what's most important and I have to remember that.

GAL is hard.

saying, "GAL is hard" may seem true, but NOT GAL is worse and ultimately harder.
I hope you see that.
What you say above proves it. You feel better when you are "doing stuff" (read "GAL") and ou are believing too much of what you hear and see partly b/c of Not GAL as well.

I like my life and who I am for the most part and don't intend to do a to manufacture a new me just to catch my STBX's attention.

IF you believe that GAL = "manufacturing a new" you, AND that it's "just to catch" her attention, then you misunderstand the concept and purpose of GAL. That's unfortunate.

Among the many purposes of GAL - is enriching your life, exploring things you always wanted to but held back from, learning something of interest or value that helps you FEEL SOME JOY in your life and NOT obsess about your situation...it's partly a self discovery tool, and is huge for your PMA.

You read the DB or Div Remedy books? Read the parts on GAL again. IT's NOT about getting her attention and it's NOT about manufacturing a new you.

The 180s you do ought to help with undermining the negatives she has of you, though it's just a piece of that. Also your wife is going thru a lot and may be psychologically ill at this time. In my layman's opinion, she seems unwell.

Just b/c it's emotional illness, doesn't make it less real OR less sympathetic.

But GAL is crucial to detachment. Without GAL, you cannot Detach.


I am still playing and competing at pool and enjoy that, my W never had a problem with it (other than time away from children) and I won't be quitting. I am reconnecting with friends a bit. One thing I'm going to do is go to a men's support group for 'choosing healthy sexual boundaries'.


That^^ mens group is a GAL activity that benefits you and MAY get your mind off the situation but then again, maybe this particular GAL activity is just for improvement on an issue that played inside the M.

I'll list a few thing I did for GAL below.

I may attend one or a number of these meetings, but I'm sure ill learn a lot and maybe make a friend or two. This was a bit challenge in the R and something I'm wrestling with so I think it is a good step.

Is making a new friend what you're referring to? Then this is a good thing to do and sounds healthy for you to do, regardless of your w's choices. Make sense?

Of course I'm trying to be the best dad I can and am doing better than anything I've done in the past.

Right now the hardest part is not self medicating. It would feel so good to just go out with another woman and feel some love, go on a porn binge, etc. But I know I'd only feel worse and wouldn't like to look in the mirror afterwords.

It's great that you can think this out. If you were to "Self medicate", thinking out how you'd feel after is key to helping you see why NOT to do it.

It's a piece of the underlying reason you are here.

So If you find a GAL activity that gives you some JOY, it will help you avoid the pitfalls of your typical self medicating...like playing an instrument or joining a team or taking a class or skydiving or whatever, is a lot healthier for you than the other choices you have been making. THAT is a reason for GAL in a new and different way (Like I said, see the list I give you of what I did to just feel alright in the interior of Alaska.)

A big part of GAL is also just overcoming inertia. In a way that's really symptomatic of so much in our lives you know? We make a poor choice repeatedly. We know it's Not a good choice, but we have nothing to replace the negative behavior with yet...no substitute for the negative behavior ----which is where GAL COMES IN...

We feel 'stuck" , and yet it's often just a matter of Doing it....AND learning NEW ways of dealing with our pain. I would think that appeals to you.

So I'm stuck dealing with my fears, shame, loniliness, and sadness the hard way.

Zeus, you are CHOOSING to make this harder! (Tell me, btw, what the 'easy way' that you think exist - b/c I sure don't know anyway to get thru this that isn't hard as he11.

You are resisting the GAL suggestion for some reason, almost as if your situation is uniquely difficult.Yet it's not, b/c most of us were in the "Stuck mode" too. WE got ourselves out of it. And GAL is key.

I think the unique part of your situation is that your wife is in major upheaval and suffering some sort of quasi breakdown (or full on breakdown; I'm not sure yet.) But we've seen that here too.

You are Not alone. Also, I found myself feeling helpless and hopeless at times. At those times you may have to do what I did, which was to Turn this over to the Big Guy...let him carry your burden for a bit.

I swear, by me thinking the words "God, (or "universe" or "higher power" etc) I turn this pain and anger over to you" or "I turn this marriage over to you",

and saying the words, and hearing myself say them, HELPED those words sink in!

And I felt calmer and more at peace. That helped a lot, especially when h called that's for sure. And it kept me from obsessing at bed time so I could sleep better.

Just a suggestion if you're a believer.


Taking my share of the blame and trying to comfort my inner self and pray for peace and strength. I am not breaking yet but look forward to the day that I find myself feeling good more often. Please feel free to reply again, I appreciate all of your comments and keeping an eye on my sitch.

Think about how you were raised and any of the shortcomings in your upbringing...can you see any thing that you have improved upon in raising a family now? Can you celebrate the improvements you've made?
Knowing that your family of origin's negative ways are being improved, is a good good thing. Kudos to you for the changes you are making.

And please see that the need to find new behaviors so you don't self medicate in an unhealthy way, is something you need to do. That doesn't mean you are manufacturing a new you, so much as becoming who you were meant to become.

If you read your earlier posts; the ones in which you own the behaviors you're not proud of, with a clear eyed view of the bullying and the demanding way you carried yourself, (sorry, but thats how it read to me; although from a remorseful position I believe Was sincere) ....

then I think you can see that some improvements are needed to have a healthy marriage with your wife or with any woman...(none of us want to do what we don't want to do, in bed).

Don't underestimate that, please. It imperils you and your situation to blow that off.

All the women I know who have done things they didn't really enjoy, repeatedly, all ended up resenting their partners for pushing for it b/c it did not feel loving...AND OR they pretended that it's just that 'they didn't like sex" - when in reality it's the sex they've been having with their partner, that they did not enjoy.

Hang in there Zeus. You have the insights and bravery to change yourself in a meaningful profound way -- and that is a good thing to have, no matter what your w chooses to do or how much help she gets. I wish her luck in that too.