Shocked and freaked out

[Card29]

I second that comment from GoatGal. I'd make going permanently porn-free a 180 of yours. I know it's one of mine. It was definitely a negative factor in our R over the years. If an intimate, lifelong, loving marriage is your goal, I don't think porn has an place in that picture, even if she's "okay with it".

btw, your sitch is insanely similar to mine. She dropped the bomb on me after her first semester of her EMBA, where she was a star and become part of a clique with 4 good looking, successful, driven guys. Both of our W's are in a fog due to this and many, many other factors. Remember that you can't control her or her decisions. All you can control is you. And YOU were undoubtedly many of those "other factors" that led her to this point. So start identifying and working on those. Unless you have an incredible memory, I would start a journal of some kind. Whatever you do, don't let her see it. Download a password-protected app, create a new e-mail account and e-mail to yourself, whatever. But start journaling ideas from 180's, and write about your plans and progress on those.

I also can't recommend detaching and GAL enough. Be relentless in this. If you look at my posts on my thread tonight, I might sound like a hypocrite (I had a meltdown after I found out from her that a therapist hit on her for quite some time at a party, and they talked a while today), but this has been the best thing for me. I can't imagine how miserable I'd be right now if I had not been pursuing these over the last few weeks. And don't fret if you don't feel happier or detached at first...it took me 2-3 weeks of effort to start to feel it.