This is all such a process- one min I'm done with him, the next min I'm not.
Today at work I was frustrated thinking about the men in marriages I've met recently and how loving and stable they seem. ( yes I realize you never know what's going on behind closed doors, but it did make me think of my own M history and how long this MLC unrest has really been going on).
H called and suggested we switch vehicles for the week since he is traveling and I am picking up kids ( his truck has more room than my car). That was very thoughtful. Then he texted some things later and asked what time I would be home as he needed to get some things at the store before traveling tomorrow. ( I'm thinking to myself- what did you do all yesterday when you had no children???) Monday is always one of my later days and he knows that.
So I'm driving home and I'm listening to my empowering 80s music ( no laughing here :)) and thinking about how I can start over and find a man who will be mature and genuine. I get to the house and then H walks in with the kids. He says " you do not look happy- from the moment I walked in you looked frustrated". Oops- guess my face wore my thoughts. I said I'm fine, just tired, Mondays are always busy. He looked at me with the " I know you better than that face" but didn't say anything else. He teased me a little about the sexy shirt I had on and told me my eyes looked pretty. I stayed distant and we chatted about S16 counselor appt and couple other things. I made a comment about how S16 was covering up what he really thinks with counselor and H says " like you when you hate me but are still smiling at me?" I told him I didn't hate him ( and that's true- but I am irritated as sh!t!!). At one point when putting some things together for him to take with him he asked- are you ok? ( see FY- this is what I mean- I feel like I should reciprocate but maybe that's the wrong move) I said I was fine- then he reached to hug me. He held me for awhile,it was an emotion filled hug. I pulled away first and then he walked out of the house after telling me again I looked nice.
I realize the above is just a stream of consciousness. Just needed to put it down on paper. At least my detachment has progressed to the fact that I know I will be ok with or without him.
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
