Keeping it real

[Zues126]

Thank you 25. I'be been a bit unstable lately and I appreciate you helping me get back on track. My sandbox indeed.

I've just been down. Day after day. When I'm doing stuff I am ok but in general I just am feeling a bit bummed. I think the reason I am convinced the R is doomed is partly believing what I hear and see which is easy to do, and partly because limbo isn't easy and I just want to stop hurting. But that's not what's most important and I have to remember that.

GAL is hard. I like my life and who I am for the most part and don't intend to do a to manufacture a new me just to catch my STBX's attention. I am still playing and competing at pool and enjoy that, my W never had a problem with it (other than time away from children) and I won't be quitting. I am reconnecting with friends a bit. One thing I'm going to do is go to a men's support group for 'choosing healthy sexual boundaries'. I may attend one or a number of these meetings, but I'm sure ill learn a lot and maybe make a friend or two. This was a bit challenge in the R and something I'm wrestling with so I think it is a good step. Of course I'm trying to be the best dad I can and am doing better than anything I've done in the past.

Right now the hardest part is not self medicating. It would feel so good to just go out with another woman and feel some love, go on a porn binge, etc. But I know I'd only feel worse and wouldn't like to look in the mirror afterwords. So I'm stuck dealing with my fears, shame, loniliness, and sadness the hard way. Taking my share of the blame and trying to comfort my inner self and pray for peace and strength. I am not breaking yet but look forward to the day that I find myself feeling good more often. Please feel free to reply again, I appreciate all of your comments and keeping an eye on my sitch.