Read the story of the Prodigal Son. That is where your husband is, in the pigpen of life. You are needing to be patient and hang on, because someone needs to love your husband enough that they care about his soul. That they care enough to pray for him and not give up.
If he ran to the OW, it is exactly because she is living in the same pigpen as he is and he doesn't have the guilt from her that he has from you.
He does not have to live up to higher standards while he is with her. He can roll around in the mudd all he wants, but eventually he is going to hit that rock bottom and the person he is going to turn to is you. He has done that several different times already.
It doesn't matter what stage of the MLC he is in or not in. What matters, is that someone cares enough about him to pray for him. To stand in the gap for him. That is what counts the most in all of this.
Yes, he could be in replay, depression, withdrawal all at the same time or one of them at a time, but it doesn't matter. What matters, is that satan has a hold of this man and is trying to destroy him and kill him.
You are right about it being more comfortable to have him out of the house because there was too much friction, but your husband is hurting and you are beginning to see the pain that he is going through. You started seeing it before he left. Yes, it was childish the way that he did it, but how do you face someone when all you are doing is hurting and you are so tired of hurting yourself and hurting the other person.
He would have had to look at you again and told you that he failed as a person once again. As much as it pained you to have him sneak out again, the pain to face you again would have been much greater. Now he has just made his path that much more difficult for his next return.
You will have to set boundaries though and make it very clear that you do not want him home unless he plans on staying home and putting real effort into working things out. He has to make some major changes in order for you to take him back into the home. That you don't want this disrruption again because it is to difficult on everyone when he does this.
That he has to face himself and that you are more then willing to be there for him and help him through this, but you are not going to have him walking in and out of your life like it is a revolving door.
The mess that you feel you have in your life right now, God can straighten out and he will, but you must give it to him. The feeling that you have in your gut, is the Lord speaking to you. Telling you to let him do his work and to not give up on the Lord.
He may have been putting too much pressure on himself trying to be the perfect husband that he knows in his heart that he is supposed to be, but he has been trying to do it on his own and that is why he failed. He needs the Lord in order to be the husband that he is supposed to be to you and the father that he is to be to his son.
He is trying to attempt both of these positions on his own and has failed each time. He has fallen back into the same old person because the Lord has not renewed him like he has renewed you. That is why you have handled this situation so differently then before.
So you stand firm in the Lord and what he has taught you so far. You are doing great and you are coming out victorious and don't you forget that. You and your son are going to be taken care of, but at this time, the Lord is working on bringing your husband to his knees. I would really hate to be in your husband's shoes right now. There is know way in the world that I would ever want to go through what I went through when I broke again.
Where do I find this book? I know you've mentioned it before, but I just am not finding it anywhere.
Pigpen--I like that! I know he goes back to OW because she doesn't care what he's like, she's that desparate and pathetic. I DO know WHY H goes back to OW. BUT, my H is killing himself and that is what pisses me off the most, that OW just doesn't care about my H that way! And, that there is nothing I can do about it either. So be it.
Uncomfortable with H in the house!? I was standing next to him the other day completely at peace within myself and could FEEL my H's toxicness (is that a word) it's that strong.
Quote: He may have been putting too much pressure on himself trying to be the perfect husband that he knows in his heart that he is supposed to be, but he has been trying to do it on his own and that is why he failed. He needs the Lord in order to be the husband that he is supposed to be to you and the father that he is to be to his son.
And he was trying, but I think our son's sickness and me and everything just was too much for my H to handle.
I've read as much as I can on MLC, the stages, etc. and need to not focus on that anymore. I was trying to set a timeframe, I was looking into the future and I was getting ahead of myself.
Quote: You will have to set boundaries though and make it very clear that you do not want him home unless he plans on staying home and putting real effort into working things out. He has to make some major changes in order for you to take him back into the home. That you don't want this disrruption again because it is to difficult on everyone when he does this.
That he has to face himself and that you are more then willing to be there for him and help him through this, but you are not going to have him walking in and out of your life like it is a revolving door.
And this IS what I need to do, want to do. I feel strong enough that I can do this, but saying it might be the tricky part. I will need to think on this some more and how to best handle.
I can't imagine how he must be feeling today, now that he's had time to think about what he's done, but I can no longer focus on that.
When I first read this Laurie, I cried. I know H is in pain, but I'm also thinking "why me Lord" AM I strong enough to handle this...and I am. I am the chosen one I guess, the one to pray for my H's soul, but that's all I can do at this point.
I was thinking on my way into work that not to long ago I could have cared less if my H died, that he was killing himself. But now, I feel different about my H, deep down I care about him, the same way that I care for myself and my S.
The book is on www.rejoiceministries.org in the book store. I really like this book and have read it about 10 times so far. Every time I feel myself saying Why Me?, I go and get the book and start reading. Then I start seeing because it is written by the man that did the same thing to his wife.
It gives me strength and courage along with the word to keep hanging on. The Lord can do anything and he is putting the desire in your heart to pray for your husband and it will stay there until your husband returns and gets saved.
He can not do what needs to be done on his own. No more then you could get through what you had to go through on your own. He needs the Lord and he needs his help to get through this. He needs the Lord to forgive him, clean him and heal him. You are that light that is going to be used.
It is good that you are getting angry about what is going on, but just don't put that anger on your husband. Put it on the person that is doing this and that is satan. Satan has him bound by alcohol and he can not break that bondage on his own.
Stand strong and trust the Lord. I do believe that your husband right now is feeling much shame and guilt for what he has done. He will try to cover it with many different things, but that shame and guilt will not go away until he faces and repents of what he has done.
I have both of those and both are very good, but the one that I recommend first is Prodigals Do Come Home.
Prodigals Perspective is good because it gives you some more knowledge of what the prodigal goes through while living in their pigpen. He answers some questions for standers about where the prodigals mind is on different things.
Prodigal's Return is about when they come home and the type of work that you are going to have to do and the type of work that he is going to go through. I also highly recommend this one because it will help you out with the many questions that you had when your husband returned this last time. Very good book and will help you to get through the turbulants during this time. It explains what the wife went through (the stander) and what the husband went through (the prodigal) during this time of marriage reconciliation.
So if you can afford all three, they are a very good investment. The first one that I would read is Prodigal's Do Come Home. You will see your situation in this very much so. You will see most of the relationships that have fallen apart right now in this. There is a prodigal that leaves to find himself and the stander that stays at home and waits and prays. Very good Bible Story.
I tell you what, my mom and dad read this book (Prodigal's Do Come Home) when I had made my decision to stand for my marriage over a year ago. My mom understood why and started praying with me for his return. My dad cried and got quiet for a while because he remembered himself during his MLC stage. He to now prays for my husband's return and believes in the same miracle that I believe in.
They understand the pain the my husband is going through and realize that it isn't my husband, but the binds that satan has put on my husband.
So far today, no contact from H which isn't surprising, I wouldn't take his call anyway. I have no idea where he is and isn't that wonderful? We have a child that he can abandon at any time he wants to...and I do believe it is abandonment. H thinks that if he pays for child care, it's not abandoment? I do know that S will not be involved with him and OW this I will not budge on. S will not have any exposure to that life or world.
I'm trying to anticipate what H's mood will be like once he does call, show up or whatever. I do know that he'll blame me, it'll be my fault that he left..that he ran away. Oh who cares, there's nothing I can do anyways.
He'll have to surface at some point..or maybe not.
Just checking in on you. Laurie very eloquently stated the truth. It doesn't matter what stage the pod person is in, we can't control it. We just have to know that we love them no matter what. We love them better than any other human can.
Ow usually are pathetic and needy. They don't care what he does as long as they get some attention. They don't care who he hurts, his family doesn't exist in their minds.
Pattie
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
Pathetic and what do their families think? I mean her siblings are married with children, H's siblings are married with children can they/do they approve of what a family member is doing, living with a married man and think it's okay? They're wrecking someone's family. A family that could be their's? It just boggles my mind when I think about it. I just wonder how they would feel if it happend to them!
And then it makes me wonder what my SS thinks of this whole thing? H did tell his dad when this all started..that he was doing to S4 what he did to him!
H truly thinks the only person he's hurt in this whole thing is me. It stunned me when he said that. I said "you've hurt a lot more people than that" and he wanted to know who! Hello!!! Cathy
I am so sorry to read what happened over the weekend but am glad that you're back to your old self. I'm usually not around on the weekends.
I didnt' want to respond at first since I dont' have anything good to say....your H just makes me so angry! Your H and my H both!
Quote: H truly thinks the only person he's hurt in this whole thing is me. It stunned me when he said that. I said "you've hurt a lot more people than that" and he wanted to know who! Hello!!!
These guys are in such denial. You know, I don't care how they rationalize this in their sad little brains....what they're doing is infidelity and abandonment. They are hurting their children most of all. Is this why they have children...so that they can hurt them?
Sorry, didn't mean to vent and rant on your thread.
Just remember: you are a wonderful, caring, and special lady; you don't deserve to be treated this way.
Continue to stay strong and remain detached...for your sake and the little guys' sake.
H doesn't want to see who else he is hurting. Then he would have to take responsibility for his behavior.
Op's family who seem "normal". Everytime H's ow comes home from a visit it's the same crap. You're using me.. I never intended to get in this situation, when are you filing...etc. Bottom line is somebody in her family was pointing out the obvious to her and she didn't like it. Just remember, ow doesn't care about you or your kids. She only cares about herself and the fact that she has somebody paying attention.
As you know from my thread I had a long winded talk at my H concerning our youngest son. Part of it must have connected. H did appear for his b-day dinner. And I just heard that H invited son and sonsgf to come over and BBQ. There is no way ow could be there, son would have exploded and left.
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
Your H and my H both!