KGirl - 7 months later...

[KGirl]

Well... I feel like I am in a rut of sadness (pit of despair? something like that) and don't know how to get out of it. Maybe time is the only answer. I haven't felt this low since back in April when I decided I needed to change the situation and decided to move out. I've been crying much more than I was over the past several months (like every day the past week). I try to GAL, I make plans, I do things, but sometimes I'm so sad about the situation that I end up not going to those things because I can't get my tears stopped/get in shape to go out. I don't know exactly what it is - some combination of helping my sister plan her wedding, holiday decorations in the stores (which makes me think about this year's holidays and not having H there and last year's BD right before Xmas), watching the movie "Safe Haven" and wanting so badly to be in an R like in the movie (yeah.. I know.. it's not real.. it's a movie.. but I thought I had that R w/ H before all this in many ways)... or just a natural phase of all of this? Probably didn't help that despite defriending H on facebook, I clicked on his profile anyway and noticed that some of the publicly viewable profile pics he had of us together are now gone (untagged? deleted?).

It's like each time I hear or see something happen that indicates he's not coming back, it's a tiny pinprick on my heart... I don't want this to end with a thousand tiny pinpricks hitting me each time. I kinda wish I had one giant punch and then it'd be done. I keep telling myself that no news is good news, nothing is done yet.. but I think that also makes me in denial and therefore never really fully grieving or getting over the grieving because nothing has actually "happened" yet. I still keep dreaming about how he could pop up tomorrow and tell me what an idiot he was. I mean, can someone be thinking they'll divorce you and yet send you a text saying "did you see they're selling Surge soda again?" All of that ("that" being H still making small talk via text about random things) makes it hard to sink in that this could really happen.

Is this a phase I just need to get through, or do I need to seek some kind of more serious help? I don't know what new improvements to me I could make besides just keeping on with what I've already been doing. Maybe that's all I can do and now I just have to work on facing reality instead of pretending it's not there. I feel like I'm just playing house while living alone, waiting for the day when I move back. But I fear if I do really accept that this is done and done, that I will have no inerest in making things work, because I'll be DONE (does that make sense?) I wish I knew how long it would take or what to expect. Obviously people get over it to a point where they can remarry, be in other relationships, etc., without crying every other day but can you really get to that point before things are really and truly "over?" I've been trying to fake it til I make it and act as if.. but I still feel like I'm acting and that none of it is real.

On the bright side (I guess if I can find some humor in this it must not be THAT bad??) the same guy has asked me twice now on the bus what my name is and for my phone number because he'd like to "spend time with me"... sigh. Too bad the feeling isn't mutual ; )