Am I on the right track?

[wmwb123]

MrBond, first thank you for replying.

Yep, I've read DB. It was one of the first books I read three months ago.

As for the issues, I didn't know we had any. There were issues with infertility, and that caused my wife considerable stress 13 years ago. I was not as supportive as I should have been during that time. Again, however, that was 13 years ago, and if I could do it over, I would. I was happy with our marriage, and I thought she was, too. I have always considered her my best friend, and she used to say the same about me.

I know that I failed to meet her emotional needs being preoccupied with my phone instead of conversation, but that was a mutual thing. Obviously, if she would give me another chance, I'd hang on her every word. I actually hate my phone now, and I don't even play with it anymore. If she would tell me what she felt was wrong, I'd be more than willing to change.

My focus is on the A, because I know there will be no progress made as long as it continues. In fact, I don't think she will have any contact with me until she ends it. We're not in NC by my choice. I hope that the divorce process will hasten the demise of the A.

[MrBond]

Still avoiding the issue. There must have been some other issues. List them here. Go back to complaints your W had and stop pointing the finger back at her with the "well she did it too" type comments.

One of the fundamental rules of DB is to find out what behaviors were negative to your spouse and how you can change them.

And actually, comments like - "I was not as supportive as I should have been during that time. Again, however, that was 13 years ago,"
don't help.

The past has a way of coming back out to the present if they weren't dealt with in a healthy way before. Rug sweeping problems don't make them go away. Plus just because YOU don't have an issue with it any more doesn't mean that your W doesn't.

[wmwb123]

What can I do about not being supportive 13 years ago besides apologizing for it, which I did? We cried about it together. I thought it was ancient history, but maybe you're right, and it is not, but what can I do about that? I could apologize again, but she won't hear me out right now.

If there were other issues, I honestly was not aware of them. I asked her to tell me what I had done wrong, and her only response was that I always got what I wanted. That simply was not true, so I objected, and she admitted that it was not true. I don't have much to go on. We were holding hands and laughing together just days before she left.

Look, I'm not hiding anything. If I knew what I did wrong, if there were a "list" of things to write here, I would. I would love to get support and input on how to go about making changes. I am not holding back. I really and truly have no idea what her complaints would be.

I mean, I could list what I perceive to be my own shortcomings. In fact, here they are:

-Short temper
-Procrastination
-Out of shape (but losing 25 pounds has made me look in shape)

I'm practicing with the short temper by maintaining my cool while driving. I haven't blown my horn in months.

As for procrastination, I'm doing things as I notice them rather than putting them off.

And as for getting in shape, I go to the gym three days a week now.

[wmwb123]

Should I write her a letter and apologize for my lack of support during her infertility treatment? I'm not opposed to that. I readily admit that I was wrong, and I admitted as much at the time when she came to me about it.

[wmwb123]

I had better clarify that list so we don't get sidetracked. My short temper manifests while I'm driving (mild road rage, I guess). I'm generally a laid back guy. I don't really lose my temper in interpersonal relations. I did not have a short temper with my wife. I did not yell at her or have angry outbursts. She didn't really ever make me angry anyway.

[MrBond]

"I don't really lose my temper in interpersonal relations."

What do you mean you don't "REALLY"? Either you do or you don't.

"I did not have a short temper with my wife. I did not yell at her or have angry outbursts. She didn't really ever make me angry anyway."

Just to clarify... anger is a choice. Another person doesn't make you feel angry. That's something you do to yourself.

"I really and truly have no idea what her complaints would be."

So the two of you NEVER argued? You never heard her complain about something but then blew her off because you didn't think it was important? You never heard her make a negative comment and then you when you asked her what she said, she would reply with 'nothing'.

It hardly seems likely that the only conflict you had was 13 years ago.

Much of your comment is from YOUR POV. About how YOU didn't have any problems with the M. There's ALWAYS something.

[wmwb123]

We did not argue, no. And I think that may have been a problem. I guess that we both kept things inside. I didn't tell her things that bothered me, and she didn't tell me things that bothered her. We haven't argued in years. She told me she always tried to make me happy and made sacrifices. If I had known that I would have told her to stop. I didn't want her to sacrifice her own happiness for mine. I guess we are both conflict avoiders.

And no, I don't lose my temper around people. I've never yelled at anyone outside my family. And I don't yell at my family often. I keep my cool because I'm laid back. It's just my personality. Unless you get me behind the wheel of a car, and everything seems to get on my nerves. I've been intentionally working on that lately. I know that me losing my temper while driving bothered my wife. I don't think that was what led her to check out of the marriage, though.

[MrBond]

"I didn't tell her things that bothered me,"

Like what?

"and she didn't tell me things that bothered her."

Like what?

"We haven't argued in years."

I really call BS on this. EVERY couple has conflict. If you didn't, you wouldn't be in this predicament now.

So she never spoke under her breath or complained to you about anything in over 13 years?

Look, to be honest, if you don't give us things to discuss, we can't help you. You can't hope that her A will just fizzle out and that she'll go back to you, unless you give her something that she wants to go back to. And that includes a new you.

No one will be able to help you because evidently everything was perfect. I mean, why do you think you're even here?

[wmwb123]

I think I'm here because I failed to meet her emotional needs. We had stopped talking and fallen into routine the past few years. It was boring. I like boring, but she doesn't. I am disgusted with myself for not engaging with her in conversation. She needed someone to converse with, but I was satisfied with just being together.

I don't know what to tell you about the arguing. We just didn't. I thought it was because we got along so well. But apparently she was holding things in. I don't know what bothered her, but what bothered me was her nagging when she'd get home from work. When she'd have a hard day at work, she would literally look for things to complain about, and she would go from one thing to the next like a machine gun. I usually just ignored it. It wasn't bad enough for me to lose feelings for her.

To be specific, the last time she did that it was because I left a bowl in the sink with water in it after eating ice cream rather than clean it immediately. I was on my way to the kitchen to clean it when she saw it and complained. Two seconds later she noticed something else that was out of place (I don't remember now, but it was something I saw as trivial). But you don't check out of a marriage because your husband didn't put his bowl in the dishwasher, do you?

[wmwb123]

I had thought about complaining to her about her nagging when she'd get home. I didn't think it was fair when we both work. But it didn't bother me enough to say anything. She didn't do it often, so when she did, I just ignored it.