1 step forward, 1000 steps back - part 7

[mdu]

It's about that time..

[Train]

Sorry, mdu, I may have been typing when you created your new thread. I'll pull this over from there:

Just chiming in with my .02:

mdu, maybe it would be easiest to pull back for a second and think of it like this: you're still supposed to be in re-attraction mode. You're not necessarily in the stage of your M/S where you guys are actively and deliberately committed to "working on things," right? Or did I miss something?

Too much "heavy" stuff too soon, like the guys said, is not a good move.

You'll have many opportunities to work on those heavy issues once H is fully re-committed.

In the meantime, ask yourself if your goal is to try to foster more communication with H because that's something your relationship was missing and he received from OW *or* if you're trying to ask questions (under the guise of fostering more communication) but you're really fishing for information/answers/assurances and/or nudging H.

If you're trying to open the door for more communication, definitely start out with MUCH lighter talks than R or OW talks. You want your conversations to attract H back to the M, not make him feel awkward or cornered. Any mention of the A - whether the WAS admits it or not - brings up a lot of shame and guilt in them. And I think it's way too early for you to put a mirror (or microscope) in front of H at this stage; he's probably doing enough of that himself.

[mdu]

"You'll have many opportunities to work on those heavy issues once H is fully re-committed."

See if you were to ask H if he were fully recommitted, he would say yes. We have had this conversation. However, he has not moved home yet. Which to me means his actions don't yet match his words. The reason why I am hung up on him moving home -- and that to me really signals he is fully in the game -- is he knows I will not let him move back home until he agrees to my transparency plan (hands over passwords, etc). He has not done that yet because he has not yet moved home.

So I kind of don't know where we are...in his mind I will guarantee you he thinks he is fully recommitted. To me, not really because he's not home. I think our differing views likely cause some of the conflicting behaviors on my part. One day I'm in full reattraction mode, the next I'm like 'Ok, so you think we're working on things...let's work!'

[Barrybran]

On a positive note, mdu, instead of asking him about him and OW, you turned it into a positive by asking about the two of you and treating OW as a nothing (which she is). Congrats on thinking that through before asking the question.

[mdu]

Thx Barrybran! Always love some kudos & really respect ur (as well as everyone elses) observations!

[Wonka]

MDU,

Let me do a shout out to Starsky first...I am sorry to hear of your news about GD. What a tough thing to do and go through. (((HUGS)))

However, he has not moved home yet. Which to me means his actions don't yet match his words. The reason why I am hung up on him moving home -- and that to me really signals he is fully in the game -- is he knows I will not let him move back home until he agrees to my transparency plan (hands over passwords, etc). He has not done that yet because he has not yet moved home.

With this stance, you're not keeping the road home paved smooth. From my perch, it is littered with nails and how can you expect H to come back home with those nails littered all over the road?

Do you want to continue holding this over his head before he moves home??! Is that how you want to re-attract H to coming home?

H has given you all indications that he's really wanting to work on the M. Problem is that many DBers are miles ahead in the relationship front and need to exercise patience by acting as the WAS' mentor. Are you up for it, MDU?

The XOW is no more. She's gone back into the shadows where she came from and is staying there permanently thanks to H's efforts. That, to me, deserves some kudos from you on his part.

I'd want to re-think your hard-line stance if I were you.

I was especially happy to read in your other thread that decided to STFU and not manipulate H into coming back home. Good job!!!

And the hot tub...wowza! Some really hot stuff right there, baby!!

[MrBond]

" The reason why I am hung up on him moving home -- and that to me really signals he is fully in the game -- is he knows I will not let him move back home until he agrees to my transparency plan"

He told you this?

[mdu]

He has not moved back home yet. He knows that I want him to commit to full transparency before I will let him back in the house. He says that the transparency plan is not making him hesitate in moving back home, that he's anxious to move back home because he's afraid we will immediately get back into old bad patterns and everything will blow up. He wants to go to MCing, at least a few times, before moving back home. I feel like either you commit or you don't. MCing will take months to make things better, why wait that long. Either you're committed or your not.

FWIW, full transparency for us primarily means giving me passwords to all his electronic accounts. I keep thinking he could go ahead and do that now, even before he moves home, but he seems to think that it's pointless since I won't really have access to his primary electronic tool --- his phone --- unless he lives here.

Hope that helps clarify

[MrBond]

"He says that the transparency plan is not making him hesitate in moving back home, that he's anxious to move back home because he's afraid we will immediately get back into old bad patterns and everything will blow up."

So why to you keep insisting that it's the transparency plan that is preventing him from coming back. TBH, the majority of WASs have the same fear as your H.

If you keep saying it's one thing when he tells you something else, you're just mind reading.

[mdu]

Shouldn't I be cautious? I mean yes he is done with OW...for the moment...fact is she is 15 feet away from him every other day. Easily things could kick up again. Shouldn't we have controls (for lack of a better word) in place to ensure he stays n the straight and narrow?? I gotta imagine it must be tempting. It's not like he dumped her bc he was not into her anymore. He dumped her because he was caught and felt the threat of losing his family. He's still attracted to her, he told me as much.