Ok, S, I had to read your post several times. LOL!
I am going to tell you what I perceived as my thought processes in my marriage. When I met him, I was just beginning to find me and my voice. I was becoming confident and self assured.
He liked that about me. But there was another part of him who liked to be in control and who wanted to take care of me.
My feelings of confidence were very new and raw. I was really young.
Slowly, over time, he wanted more and more control. Slowly, over time, I wanted less for him to take care of me and more for him to really respect me.
He chipped away at who I was becoming. I let him. After awhile I fell back into what I knew. Always trying to do the right thing. Always trying to be the best wife. In his eyes, I fell short.
So, he kept chipping away and I kept allowing him to. I kept trying to fix it, which made him dig in for more control. Round and round we went until I became really small.
When this all happened I had completely lost me. I decided that it was all my fault because I wasnt good enough. I knew how to feel like that really well. I aced it.
But as I worked through all of this I realized some things. I didnt have power over what he thought or felt. I didnt have the power to change him. Whatever he thought or felt, was his.
So, I looked closely at me. I saw that I was a good wife. I made mistakes, for sure. But, the bottom line was the I loved him as best I could. I honored our marriage. I had his back.
He was wrong. Plain and simple. Could I have done things better? Sure. Could he have? Ayep. The difference is that I owned my stuff. I was no longer willing to own his, nor was I willing to think that I had so much power that I could be completely to blame for any problems in our marriage.
Nope. There are two people in one. I know who I am. I know my shortcomings and my strengths.
Whatever I did or didnt do in my marriage was never with the intent to cause it or my xh harm. I think that makes all the difference.
No one is worth more than me. No one gets to decide my worth but me. No one is more important than I am.
So, is it egotistical to think that you have that kind of power? I dont know. Is it? Or is it more that you have hopes that you have that power because if you do, you can change things. If you can change things, then you are ok.
Does insecurity come with a side of self centeredness? Maybe. Does it matter? I'm thinking not.
If you give in, does that have an expectation of controlling the outcome? Yes. I believe it does. We do what we need to do sometimes in order to be ok.
Can you believe you have so much power you can give it away to serve the situation? Yes, you can believe that. But is it true?
Here's the thing. Once you figure out why you want to fix and control, you can go about changing it.
For me, I knew I did it because I wanted to be accepted and loved. When I realized that I could be accepted and loved without fixing things, well, that made all the difference.
