mlc rut

[pbetra]

I understand the mlcer experiences mixed feelings as they really do not know what 2 do. He's been reaching out (!!?? what? ) ALL week. 'Reassuring touching', stroking/face etc. I even got a kiss (!) goodbye like old times recently. shocked Sadly, I do not trust anything b/c I know that even if (by some FLUKE) he feels something, that even h also doesn't know WHY, & it won't last.

The saddest part of all of this is the reminder that when the storm passes, it's the LBS that makes the decisions. By saddest, I mean it is for the MLCr. They may or may not wake up in time to stop their destructive behavior. If and when they do, the LBS may not be anywhere around. Or at least be inaccessible.

If and when he wants to come back to the M, there will be touch and go's most likely. For the LBS, we don't allow for the connection because we have been hurt before. We shut down. Slowly, almost imperceptibly while the MLCr cycles like a madman trying to push/pull/heal.

I understand AJ. Maybe I have shut down a little. I tried so hard esp. in beginning (we ALL did!) ... On some level, my timeline was my personal reprieve I guess. A time to take a breath! This shutting down (even if minimal - 'best case scen'.) can b risky b/c with mlcer there is no 'hard timline', & some are so sensitive! Will tread carefully, THINK MORE today when my mind is a little clearer. Just wrapping up some things & going to take a break before school ends.

I think it's fair to say that you don't trust him or anything about his actions. I don't blame you. I'm not suggesting you should, but when you look down the road do you see a possibility? If you saw that possibility, what would the first steps look like? How would you react if they occurred?

You're right, there is a possibility. That's a good question - And some of h first steps would be similar to reaching out like this. That's what I found confusing though - I didn't think that mlcers are authentic at the '6 month point' anyway (been reading - change can take from 1-2 yrs PLUS!) Just the day before I 'tweaked' my behaviour, h was his USUAL mlc 'teenage' self!

What h started doing a few months ago was to slip me the safe stuff vs total exclusion/isolation as he initially did.
Eg a 'tactical' move would be to include me > to ask me along to pick up some chinese food or 'something', or approach re intimacy or to chat to which I would respond, always being nice. With that out of the way, he had me fooled in his mind, checkmarked off his list (necessary since he can't support himself right now).

So he came to me as usual to compensate for the 'fab weekend' of which everyone was part, but this time I was not available for anything. Period. So he approached again the next day - etc (already written in previous post). I guess h was thinking he had it 'covered' in that adolescent mind of his (!), but my deadline was reached & the pattern had changed. Now he KNOWS that something is amiss, & he begins to attempt to rectify problem. His survival depends on it.

Like I said, I'm just thinking that no mlcer can genuinely change in 6 months & certainly not in a day! The 'love' that I am receiving is NOT love. He does not want me or love me. If this were 1 year later +, maybe I would fall 4 it. Then again, with mlc chaos, there are no hard deadlines, & DB is about impacting MLC behaviour thro' LBS behaviour. So all in flux anyway & I have avoid 'narrow vision' due to my own perception of the 6 month h.

You have made me think about having to prepare for an effective reaction, should the opp. arise. Would hate to mess up an opportunity for partnership if this signals a baby step. I do not want to let my shutting down & immense level of distrust 'blow' it - otherwise all the effort & pain so far, would be in vain!

Thanks for giving me an 'outside perspective' - the value of feedback on the forum, when we are caught up in our own emotions.

I know for me it would be next to impossible to be overly cautious or too careful. But I'm not sure that's the best reaction, ya know?
There's a good side to the someone else's not so good. Wish I had some of that now!

I like the idea of going for a walk. I find that exercise is incredibly helpful. And the weather lately has been incredibly nice over most of the country. Always nice to get out and breathe
I've always LOVED walking, so this is great for me. It's my balm! Good for mind & body & surprisingly cost effective too!!!

AJM, thx again for your helpful reply. pb