So I worked Friday night as usual, felt like death but made it through the night. Saturday I was completely sick, back was killing me, same throbbing headache I have fought for a week now, I ended up getting sick and was basically down and out the entire day. W texted me all through the day, being in and out I basically was dark, I would reply when I woke but would go back down and reply in like 3-5 hour intervals. W actually offered I come over so she could take care of me .... in a way I seen this as a nice gesture, on te other hand I was angry, alone, and sick ... I never get sick but I realized just how alone I am if there is something serious.
So Sunday I am doing a bit better, W offered to keep S ... I told her its my day and I missed him, so we agreed to meet up at mass. Her brothers trial is in 2 weeks and its not looking good, so just like that .. after church (which went well) she starts in her spew tantrum, telling me to keep S , he doesnt love her, she is a shitty mom who ruined the family because she was in a shitty marriage .... Months ago I would have taken the bait and fought back, however I validated, did not engage, and told her I knew that her brothers sitch was very horrible and I was sorry that its been so hard on her, if she wanted to just talk I was available. Seemed to calm her down ... maybe just the fact I was able to tell that the issues she was spewing about were not the issues that really has her upset. She told me thanks and apologized for her actions ... said she was going to watch a movie with our babysitter from some time ago .... not certain I believe her ... just assuming they are lying takes the sting out of things. She did TM at 10:30 saying the girl had just left .... not reading into it, in a way I don't really care ... just a little bitter atm.
Went to a store with S later, he pointed out a Pumkin Snoopy doll, told me how W loves snoopy, so we went ahead and bought it and gave it to her this morning, well ... he gave it to her, and I just kind of sat back .... she asked me what was wrong and I told her I still wasn't feeling well , have her a one arm hug and told her good luck on the interview. She later TM me to let her know about my Dr appt, shared some day to day talk ... then later thanked me for the snoopy and said "it was really nice of you"
So ... even when she has looked for a fight I have gone all matrix on that ... doing well in that area, but today I just asked myself during my walk, how much do I go with this.... I want my wife back but all things considered, what she has done, how she treated me ... will she ever love me back, she takes and uses me because I let her, I am not sure I will ever be enough for her, who wants a life like that? I have this rope in my hand and I am just not so sure anymore if I want this M. She has been very nice over the past week or so .... maybe she just wants to be friends and co-parent ... that's not what I want or need .... I've been alone for the entire time as she was involved in an A, now it seems she is starting to work on herself and ... again I am alone ... it just really hit home in the ER I have no one ... stung badly.
Ok .. /vent
PMA, GAL , continue to 180 .... maybe press the issue at the end of the month. Either lets work on this .. or I drop the rope. I do not want to waste much more time on something that only 1 of us wants, I feel I have made a good number of improvements, I realize she may not trust/believe them ... that's fine .. but I am not getting any younger and I will never be over her if I keep hanging on to just an ounce of hope.
