Snowballs get bigger as they roll down hill!

[sjallda]

I'm back again after thinking his small scraps of kindness were a sign that things were better.

I was here in 2006 as a newlywed, when he bombed me around Christmas time over a disagreement over him not wanting to attend my work party with me. It went from this to I don't love you anymore in less than 10 minutes while trying to get him in the car.
I lost weight, went to ic, worked out, gave him space. Cried, slept alone in the bedroom, I just wanted to die. I was at that time reading db books, trying to not beg plead and reason. I don't know what happened exactly, but I remember two things I did that changed everything.
1) I stopped trying to explain away his need to move out and divorce me, and at the same time told him if he did this to expect to pay over a thousand dollars per month in child support.
2). I hurt both my ankles at curves and he softened towards me when both feet were in those giant blue Velcro shoes.
We seemed to move on after that around February , nothing more was said after that, but I had a mouth full of resentment, and I kept my distance.
Said a lot less, and a wall went up between us.
We continued with vacations, family get togethers, house remodeling, work, ml sometimes. As normal as I knew things.

I even think after months had gone by, he might have come to me and apologized , said he did love me, said he was sorry.

One thing I need to make clear is my h is a alcoholic, drinks everyday after work, and as soon as his eyes open on weekends. This was the main friction between us always. When you are married to a alcoholic you deal with embarrassment , settling for less, arguments about how they shouldn't drive constantly, why the sex life has suffered, which to them seems like your critical , mothering, telling them there not a man.

Years went by, more distance, walls, spent less time together, and didn't have PC for over 3 years. I felt if he loved his drinking so much, wasn't interested in family or what my wants were, I would keep to myself. He started staying in the garage day after day, got him a wood burning stove, some recliners, giant tv and made him a man cave. He told me it was for football season, so he would bother me with all the yelling and noise.
I started getting very resentful at each missed opportunity to go somewhere, do something as a family, or how he never wanted to spend time with just me, go out on a date, hold my hand. Just nothing!
He never came in the house, stopped all projects even maintenance , didn't step foot inside except to use the bathroom, sleep in the bed, or open the bills.
I worked, cleaned, took care of the animals and our dd 12, slept lots, and played games on the computer while he spent all his time in the man cave with all the neighbors, doing odd jobs for the neighbors, fixing the neighbors cars, etc... And drinking of course.
Last year I was laying in bed, playing games real early on New Year's Eve, when I had had all I could take of this, I loved my h and decided I would except the drinking, and join him in the man cave if that's what it took. I wanted to get to know him again, I wanted affection, and love. I wanted my h back.
I had a long. Talk with him, telling him my wishes and he said to me this

1) you hurt me and broke my heart years ago, by rejecting his attempts of affection
2) you say everything I do is wrong, you think I'm a piece of s&it
3) you have no respect for me,
4) you made me what I am, I'm done, I was done a long time ago
5) only staying so I don't take him for everything he has
6) I'm fake, I'm a liar, I am only saying these things to him because I'm getting older and have limited options.
7) that he knows it won't work, I will go back to my ways, and he had no heart left, that I ripped it out of him .
8) he's happy I'm in pain, overjoyed that I now can feel what he felt.
9) and to leave him alone!

I couldn't have been more upset, I thought we both were to blame, but he says it's all me

So of course this sends me into a anxious, begging, pleading , reasoning , needy, cycle

Got a Db coach right away, read my DVD books, stopped all talk of the r
Trying to gal, thinking of 180's

And just 2 more things I want to ad to my sitch

He started sleeping in the garage every night now
And even though he's called me stupid, satan, hateful, can't stand me, all my fault, crazy and disrespectful, he says he loves me.


I'm so tired of this, I'm sincerely sorry about my part, I just want to be happy with my h, after all I choose him even knowing about the drinking. So I just want to experience some peace and feel loved again. I am to the point I would do anything to get him on board with repairing our r.
He gets off the charts disrespectful anymore, draws back from all touch. Wants nothing to do with me.
I walk around consumed with doomed thoughts and I am absolutely filled with fear he will divorce me.
I can't undue the past, I can however make the rest of my life different.
He just keeps saying he's done! I don't even have to be saying anything to him for this to happen. He loves me but he can't stand me!

What in the world do I do now, seems another waste of time to hold onto the past.
I hate also that I am 100% sincere at wanting to show love , and be happy with h! don't care about his faults.
But he calls me a liar.