Shocked and freaked out

[Seattle]

Here goes.

Couple of things to note about our relationship:
- We have been great friends and get along super well. We make each laugh a lot, and enjoy spending time together doing whatever (shopping, TV, dinners out, trips together)

- Both of our jobs are really intense so there were a lot of times when we wouldn't spend much time together during the week. She was getting up earlier than me, and I was coming home later than her and she was already in bed. Missed chances for us to connect.

- I am a pretty driven guy, trying to work my way up the corporate ladder at a tech company. I am focused, and generally try and get my way. I think I have taken this behavior home in some way.

- Around D-day she told me a bunch of things I do which annoy her such as the fact that I have bad breath, that I don't dress up enough sometimes, that I am not always fun.

- When I look back on our relationship we had so many amazing experiences together - trips, dinners, hanging out doing nothing, laughing. Cards she has written me (recently!) that professed a deep love for me have confused me greatly.
- Our sex life has never been awesome. When she was traveling a lot I got more into porn which probably increased my expectations for her in the bedroom / made me think about other women. I think this prevented me from being able to establish an emotional connection with her through sex. Also, I believe it diminished my sex drive a bit. She often wanted to have sex in the mornings and I wanted to have sex at night (when she was dressed up - which I always thought was hot).

- The new job she has given her a lot of responsibility. She has been meeting lots of people and getting a bunch of attention. It is making her feel really confident and she absolutely loves it. I supported her a lot in getting this job (she did it on her own obviously, but I encouraged and thought it was a great chance for her). She has capitalized on it and her career is taking off.
- She has started to socialize a lot with her boss (female). They would go out drinking a bunch together. Her boss is 38 and divorced with two kids and going through a nasty custody battle.
- On D-Day (7/12/14) she tells me that she has been unhappy for a while. She thinks the spark is missing between us. She says things are very comfortable between us but there is no passion. She says she thinks to move out. I freak out and am sad/confused/scared. I try and get us into see a marriage counselor quickly (a week or so later). He encourages her to move out because that is what she says wants. She was saying "I need space".

- A couple of weeks later i get the I love you but i'm not in love with you.

- The day she moved out and I found out about this guy I confronted her. Me: "Who are you? How could you do this? i dont even know who you are anymore." Her: 'I'm so sorry. I'm a terrible person. It just started a week ago. its been fun." I got texts from her later that day with her apologizing more. I apologized for going into her phone.

- We've hung out three times since then. Once at starbucks - kept it super casual and fun. I was confident, dressed up, looked sharp, etc. Didn't bring up the relationship. The next time I saw her was after our last counseling session and I was a complete emotional wreck and tried to kiss her a lot and be physical with her and convince her that we should give this a shot. I did a lot of selling. I said I love you a lot. I found out through a friend this was bad and I realized I shouldn't have done it. We saw each other again on Sunday morning and went for a long walk. That was a couple of days after I discovered this forum and 180s etc. I kept it casual, did not bring up the relationship at all, tried to be confident, focused on her, validated her, looked her in the eyes, agreed with her, etc. We also agreed to stop going to this marriage counselor because neither of us was feeling very good about him. She said he made her feel bad, and I did not think he was helping. We had a great chat. When she left she gave me a long hug (12 secs?) and a kiss on the lips. Then I walked away and did stuff in the kitchen. She came over to me to say goodbye again and gave me another hug and a kiss. This time she looked longingly into my eyes and smiled. I returned the gesture as best I could. Then she left. At which point I cried uncontrollably for like 20minutes.


- In terms of GAL. Here is what I am doing. Exercising a lot (i already do it a bunch but i'm stepping it up a notch). Mixed doubles tennis team, spinning classes, lifting with a friend, and an endurance competition scheduled (like 12 hrs of hiking with a weighed backpack). Going to play golf for the weekend with some buddies in two weeks out of town.


Here is what i think is going on in her head:
- She is unhappy and has been for a while. She attributes her unhappy with me.
- She thinks there is no spark between us anymore and thinks we are great friends but doesnt have a romantic interest in being with me
- She feels great when she hangs out with her coworkers
- She is attracted to this guy at work
- She feels hopeless about things getting better between us

Her behavior feels exactly like a MLC (even though she is only 32). Also, I knew there were some issues but I attributed them to stress about work. For example, she used to be really into getting our house in order and getting things knocked off of our joint todo list but she has not been working on anything related to the house or us for months. Also, I forgot to mention she is going to be going to graduate school soon as well for a 2yr program part time (which I think added stress as well).

Thanks for reading and any advice you have.